Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Cheese is...Just Cheese.

I ate cheese today.
Yes I did. I ate cheese. Tonight, while preparing cheesy bread for the rest of my family.. I took a nibble, and another, and another. I ate some cheese, and nothing happened.
There I said it, and most of you are likely thinking to yourself...yeah, so what? Well the what is this... to admit to eating cheese is a very horrifying thing. For the past 18 months I have loosely clung to this identity of "vegan."  Many objectives fueled my desire. I wanted to try it. No harm in that! I had watched several films re- health determent's of excess meat consumption and/or animal products. Not to mention, the information regarding animal cruelty really struck conflict with me. While I do not consider myself a "hippy" by any stretch, I consider cruelty to animals an evil action. Anyways I am NOT going to get into the details of my more than likely faulty argument. The point is, my Eating Disorder was not the sole contributing factor for making this switch.  The shift was gradual, and not super extreme. I claimed  to be vegan, yet occasionally would slip in my ways and have a bite of something that contained animal products.
I said nothing happened. Initially nothing DID happen, until i was confronted by the sequential shame that always follows  this action. This is a feeling I have become all to familiar with these last few months as I attempt to cling to this vegan identity, while my heart and mind are telling me to let go.  The shame is quite unbearable. I am a phony because I claim to be one thing but not always do I stick  to it.
 The thing is I truly believe that I feel best, both psychologically and physically, living off a primarily plant based diet. That being said... rules are not good for me at this moment in time. They are constricting, at a time when I am trying to break free. Choosing Vegan is not an Eating disorder, but obsession over the rules is a symptom of ED.  Any opportunity it has to make rules, and set limits on food is an open invitation to let the ED take over.
I am Sarah Kristine Seus. I a a believer. Lover. Friend. Sister. Daughter. Student. Yogi. Athlete. Health enthusiast.I am a fighter.  I am many things. I do not need my diet to define me. I will continue to fight for freedom from the rules of Ed which I have so willingly surrendered my days to. I Will continue to explore, with curiosity not judgment how my body might respond to the new foods that I might put into it. 
Thank you for the support.
I pray that whoever is reading this might be inspired to try one thing today... try to say no to rules and give yourself the opportunity to trust yourself!