Monday, September 22, 2014

I am CHANGING, but i am not changed

Hello my lovely readers! I hope your weekends were filled with relaxation and enjoying these last days of warm weather. I love this time of year, and in fact today is the first official day of Autumn.  I am definitely feeling a  chill change in the air! 

As I was doing my morning yoga practice I was reflecting on a state of mind that has recently been consuming my thoughts. That is- I keep finding myself experiencing these moments of joyful celebration, moments of change, moments of inspiration. These experiences are not ones that I can not quite grasp nor can I put too words, But in these moments I feel a sense of celebratory reflection- I feel that I might be over old habits and ways of thinking. But, when the moment passes and I am faced with a struggle I become disappointed thinking I am failing now. Heres the thing my situation and state of recovery does not change this much on a moment to moment basis. These are extreme shifts in perspective. ......I am not changed completely, but I am CHANGING- everyday for the better. I am growing through each experience, learning to live freer, love more generously, and live without limits. Everyday is a gift from God. We must make the choice to allow ourselves access to all of the blessings provided in this day. Anyways sorry about the detour, the following post was actually written and intended for Friday but with the long shifts and lack of internet connection I am only now getting around to posting. Please enjoy…..

…..I keep telling myself that for one month I should commit to a cleanse that will jump-start my progress towards healthy changes. I keep telling myself that I should be committed to re-establishing HEALTH for ME. This does not mean more of the restricting, starving, rules, and punishment games that result in nothing but guilt. It means regaining the control that I am currently tug-o-warring with the ED over. The problem is that I tend to adopt this ‘all or nothing mentality’ with whatever change I set my mind to. It prohibits me from rolling with the punches that life throws at me and making the best of whatever the situation might be, because anything that falls short of expectations, anything that strays from 'the plan' is considered to be failure. Whenever anything comes up that is outside of my control I feel as if the progress becomes a lost cause, and I might as well throw in the towel. Most goals seem unattainable with this all or nothing mentality, because ummm...hell-OO perfection is so unrealistic. 
So I guess that is why I keep setting this one month intention. Because that just seems more realistic to me. The truth is that Health is not about being perfect all the time. That is a total ED mentality. Progress is in being able to pick myself up when things don’t go as planned, being able to make the best out of a sucky situation, and being able to live in the moment.  Expecting to live for one month in strict abidance or the effort is a failure is already setting myself up to be disappointed. I will most likely have'failed' before day one has concluded. To attain my goals of lifelong health (not month long), balance must be allowed and flexibility is necessary! Structure is good, orienting goals and behaviors towards the goal is necessary but rigidity is unsustainable. The truth is I really don’t know what the end goal is, because I am not yet there. I can not waste my time and energy trying to create this final destination that will only be discovered through living in the moment, through the motions and experiencing both the ups and downs, triumphs and struggles, smiles and tears.  Worrying about and condemning myself when changes occur is only deturing my progress. 
Health is not a concrete objective, but it will require a constant commitment. I want to eat healthy because I believe that I will feel better, more confident and less distracted in doing so. Most importantly I believe that the only way that I can best fulfill my life’s purpose is to free myself from the restraints of these negative distractions. I want freedom from the rules, the guilt, the punishment, and the all-consuming world of food. My life does not need to revolve around the world of ED anymore. I want to focus on HEALTH and NOT FOOD. The problem is not food; and food is definitely not the solution!  Food control and punishment are merely a distraction which serve no purpose but to protect me from the emotions of life. That is not a good thing. I want to live my life, the good and the bad and to be present for those moments and emotions. This commitment means all around health. What is best for ME.  Life is now. My journey towards a healthier lifestyle is part of my current reality. The fight, the struggle, the temptations, and victories, the pain, the joy- feeling these emotions and being present in the moments is life. Awareness will lead me to a healthier and more fulfilling response. 

Over the course of my struggles with this disease I have found it difficult to chose a healthful option for my morning meal. Too many nights I went to bed deciding that the next morning I would not and should not have breakfast as punishment for my 'fat' choices of the previous day. Funny thing is when morning comes, I crave what I can not have... Breakfast! My body needs energy to fuel my day, but the rules say no. So I don't eat breakfast....More times than not I eventually end up eating something more guilt causing but less nutritious and satisfying. I mean come on the body cant survive on nothing! This morning I am starting my day out proactively with BREAKFAST.
Today I choose to honor my spirit and fuel my body.

Today I bring you......Breakfast. Inspired by the changing season that bring fall fruit, but the still warm summer temps that demand refreshing blends!

Feel Good Super Greens Goddess Power Smoothie:
1 (ripe) Banana
1 small bartlet pear
2 handfuls spinach
2 tsp lime juice
freshly grated ginger
1 scoop "super greens"
1 scoop protein of choice (My personal fave at the moment is RAW vegan vanilla protein)
 enough water to get things mixin...

wallllllAHH. delishious.




Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Finding Purpose in Life. Creating a Purpose to LIVE

Recently I discovered a book that has literally changed my life and shifted my perspective. I have been turning to Matthew Kelly`s The Rhythm of Life for healing inspiration.Amazing Book. Highly recommend it.I have already read it once through, but am currently re-reading it and find myself, in times of 'crisis' turning to important points that I find applicable. I keep it at my nightstand as a lifeline of inspirational words and a reminder of where my priorities and purpose should lie. You might think im talking this up to be more than it actually is, but I challenge you to discover for yourself. Unlock the wisdom that occupies the pages of this book, and it will change your life.  Yes it is that good.  
Anyways to make a long story longer (side note my friend used this phrase the other day and it had me laughing inside! hehe) back to my reason for mentioning this book which also explains the above picture...... One of the most influential pieces of wisdom I took from this book, was the recommendation to construct on a life's purpose. To decide today, where we want our priorities to be, and to discover the keys to getting there. Matthew Kelly discusses the importance of creating a lifes purpose, and devoting ourselves to that goal, to strive for excellence, and to be fulfilled. Having a lifes purpose creates a standard within us and ignites a burning desire to always be moving forward in our pursuit of this purpose. Reading this was a wake-up call to me. It sparked many questions.  Do I even have a life's purpose? If so am I moving forward with this purpose? Am I happy and satisfied with the direction I am headed? What are my goals and desires? Are my choices leading me towards accomplishing these? Sadly my answer to question numbero uno was "No". 
By no fault or ill intent did I end up in this position, but I was not going to allow myself to continue in this passive state of ill-advancement. Honestly, up until this point of self proclaimed 'awakening,' I had never really given it much thought. I really had no concrete purpose in mind other than the general "I want to be successful" or "I want to be happy"... Which, I might add, there is nothing wrong with. But, for me, I knew that in order to be moving in a positive direction I needed a standard. His words spoke truth to me. I needed more. I needed to do some soul searching. My purpose was not something that I would just create in a day. I believe it is a compilation of my values and strongest virtues. My purpose was created by God. We all have a reason to live. It takes some time and effort. It takes some reflection on both our strengths and weaknesses and discovery of how those traits might serve us in our pursuit of our God-given purpose.
My Life`s Purpose:
To trust in Christs plan for me- to Surrender control. To Inspire through my actions, and to be Humbled by the circumstances of my life that are out of my control. To Love and to allow myself to Be loved. To Live and to let life happen. To Pursue and Live my Dreams. Everything to Honor you. 
Everything to Honor YOU.

Happy Wednesday

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Passing by Perfection: I Commit.

Passing by Perfection: I Commit.: My apologies to those who read this Passing By Perfection looking for consistent inspiration   or truth.   My intentions are good, ...

Monday, September 15, 2014

I Commit.

My apologies to those who read this Passing By Perfection looking for consistent inspiration  or truth.  My intentions are good, but I will not deny the fact that my participation on this site has been lacking. My posts have been quite sporadic- sparked by spurts of motivation as I live in the shame of this on-going struggle.
What I am about to say has taken me months to come to terms with. The thoughts and emotions associated with this truth spark more shame and disgust than you can imagine. I have an eating disorder. Well yeah…that’s nothing new! Yes I have an eating disorder, which we have been trying to get under control since I was about 10 years old. 12 years of fighting without cause. Not fighting against the ED. But rather, Me taking the side of ED and pretty much fighting AGAINST the people who are trying to help me. It started as anorexia, when I was about ten. At that time I could not accept help, seek comfort, or surrender control because I did not believe that my behaviors were disordered. They were completely normal in my reality. But, once we began to pursue treatment the reality of this disease was revealed to me and my eyes were opened to the hold it had on me.
As time has passes, and I have floated in and out of treatment, my Eating Disorder has evolved. It has grown to become a bigger beast- more deceitful and manipulative. Before I could not admit I had an eating disorder because I didn’t want help, but I was proud of my behaviors and the strength I had to push my body to its limit and resist temptations (the horrible awful temptation to feed and nourish myself) Now I am having a difficult time accepting help because I am ashamed.  I am ashamed of what it has become. My problem is much bigger than anorexia and the health risks. It is a full-fledged vicious cycle of restriction, followed by compulsive eating , and over exercising. It’s a shame-punishment cycle that is a sorry attempt at burying emotions and insecurities. Food is a means of control in what I eat, when I eat, and how I eat it. I might refuse to eat breakfast, but then feast on chocolate. Or I eat fruits until my belly feels like it might explode, but then I must exercise until the disgust is slightly tamed. That is the ugly truth of my current struggle. No matter how hard I will it to be gone, no matter how ashamed I am to call this what it is, nothing changes the truth of what it is. The eating disorder is still alive in me. This is not new news, just a postponed announcement. I am ashamed by my lack of strength and the people I have hurt (including myself). I am disappointed in the moments missed, and the friendships damaged. I am confused by the choices made and the choices I continue to struggle with making- knowing full well of the consequences. The truth is that it is too late to lament. I am ashamed of the past, but I cannot go back. I will not allow that shame of the past dictate both  the present moment and my future. The shame of the past is merely a distraction preventing me from focusing on the hope of changing this story. Something I have begun to realize is that the harder I try to hide my struggle, in shame, the more I push people away, the stronger it becomes and the lonelier I feel. The ED does not and will not EVER fill this loneliness. Acceptance, humility, compassion and forgiveness will.
I will no longer make promises, regarding consistency with posts that I cannot keep. I have strived to paint a picture of myself- one that promises dedication and resilience. One that wishes for health and is 100% committed to the fight for recovery.  While I want these things most of the time, my effort does not always reflect these desires. To say that I am currently 75% committed to recovery is generous. I want health, I really do.  And, of course, I want freedom more than anything. Sometimes I wish that if I could blink my eyes and forget about this part of me, it would all be good. Or, if only I could wake up tomorrow and my past could be erased and my future rewritten in away that eliminates this struggle. But, that is just not reality. If I 100% want freedom, then I must fight my hardest. All of the time. I commit myself 100%. This struggle does not have to define ME, but it will consume me until I come to terms with the power it has had over me.
I must remember that my Eating Disorder is only a part of me; therefore it cannot possibly be stronger than me. Here is my reality today: I can and will reclaim my life but it will take 100% commitment.   To wait around wishing away the struggle and pouting about the pain is a passive response to a situation that demands constant action. It is a slap in the face to my creator who puts purpose into every life and circumstance (Even the painful ones). I don’t know why he has given me this cross, but he must have a plan that extends beyond this present moment. I do not have to know His purpose. In fact, questioning his purpose in all of this is a waste of time. He knows me better than I know myself, and he knows how much I can handle. Maybe I am stronger than I believe. I sure hope so.  My job is to accept. My job is to give myself to him, to give my best effort to this cause and to commit 100%.  My healing and purpose will only be revealed in Gods time.
If some of you reading this are in a similar state , make the choice today to accept your struggle. Remember- You are not alone. Decide to fight. You are so worth that fight. You are Loved.
Heres to Freedom, Health, and Happiness.
I commit.


And some extra inspiration.........

Dont buy the lies, disguise, and hoops they make you jump through. You were made to fill a purpose. There could never be a more beautiful you <3

everything @theBalancedBlonde .... seriously guys this girl is inspiring

Monday, June 2, 2014

Freedom isnt Free

Freedom isn't free.
Not many good things come easy. If you are not willing to fight for what you desire, it must not be all that important or worth it...  I can not honestly say that I have put up a true and decent fight against my Eating Disorder. Sure I have tried, but time and time again I have allowed myself to be discouraged by defeat. I have allowed discomfort and temptation drag me down as my eating disorder continues to cling hold of me, controlling my thoughts, dictating my actions, and sucking the life from this person I can not even recognize.  As embarrassing as this might be to admit, most moments, memories, and experiences in my twenty two years on this earth have been clouded  by the constant shadow of ED thoughts and drives. He has been the most important thing and my focus.  But, I want freedom. I want physical health and emotional happiness. I want to enjoy the presence and company of all of the beautiful people in my life. I want to let people in. I want to love and allow myself to be loved. I want to discover and accomplish. I want so much out of life. As I see it now, it is all of this or ED. What does ED have to offer but self torture, denial, destruction, and hurt? My life is emptiness with ED. What is there but the promise of emptiness and lifelessness if I chose him?  It is pain and suffering. It is physical destruction and emotional pain beyond words. I hurt. My heart is weak, and my body is frail.  It doesn't have to be this way forever.  I have been given such a precious gift, and a chance to live. God chose me for this life. He wants me here, or I would have been defeated long ago by the physical consequences of this disease. Rock bottom is when you realize its eating disorder or life. My life is worth the fight. I will fight to death, and that does not scare me. Because.... as of now there is little life in what the ED consumes. What is the point of living without life? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? I know I am here for a reason, I must honor the gifts of this life and discover my purpose. I will fight, and I will win. Life is precious, and it starts now.
                                                                                    MY life is mine to LIVE.
Time to start living.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Im Backkkkk

Woah, how time flies! It has been nearly a year since my last post. This marks the beginning of spring term. I have always looked forward to the the first day of school- a fresh start. This term is no different. I find myself giddy with enthusiasm as I fantasize over what the next few months will bring.  That`s right...Big Hope, Big Dreams, Big Changes ahead. Most often these aspirations involve unrealistic expectations, fueled by desires to 'correct' my imperfections and better myself.  I might stay 'on track' with these goals for a few weeks, but before long the pain and struggle of maintaining such an extreme level of change overcomes the satisfaction of accomplishment. Disappointment follows, and I find myself making empty promises..'tomorrow I will start fresh and undo the failures of today.' I seem to have adopted this guilt-punishment attitude as it has become my comfort and my escape.

Let me explain. Something goes wrong... Say I get a bad grade on an exam. Rather than focusing my effort on correcting the problem, I allow the problem to consume me. I start making assumptions. I tell myself that I am the problem. I punish myself with food, exercise, rules etc. My question is this: at what point did I become desensitized to the destructive nature of such a coping strategy? What is so wrong with ME that I feel not just an urge and a need to punish myself?  I seek comfort in doing so.

Every one struggles.  For most of my life I have felt stuck in the mud of my struggles. I allow the struggle to both consume and define me.  I have viewed my struggles as detours... assuring myself that as soon as I get back on track I can start living. I have recently come to this realization that the struggle is not a detour, but the path itself. It is my life right now. Have you heard of the phrase "No mud, No lotus"? I recently listened to a talk, given by Tara Brach, regarding this very topic. In her audio she discusses this fear we harbor towards struggle.  Difficulties, challenges, struggles- they are not always comfortable to experience. They are the mud. They are the realness, and the vulnerability that we feel. When faced with adversity, it is human nature to want to escape... to avoid whatever pain might be associated with the struggle.  My eating disorder has been my escape.

Remember that tendency I have to self punish?? When I feel stuck in the mud and I don't know how to stay. Punishment is the solution. When I feel lost or hopeless, I assume that there is a problem with me... punishment is my response. How is punishment soothing? One word: escape. It takes the focus off of the struggle directing my focus towards something within the scoop of my 'control.' In doing this I am not actively dealing, but passively avoiding. I am using  external means to numb and soothe the internal discomfort. And so, the same struggles continue to surface and never fade. My eating disorder has provided a source of comfort to get me through some tough times, for as long as I can remember. Tara Brach challenges this tendency to use addictive practices to cope. Instead she challenges the idea to allow the struggle to strengthen us. If we allow it to, whatever mud we might be experiencing holds the key to awakening compassion and wisdom.

We can not control what happens to us, but our Creator gave us the free will to interpret and respond to whatever challenge we might face in a way that serves us. Our struggles do not have to define us, but they can and will shape us into stronger, more compassionate beings. If only we embrace them with the right attitude. We run from struggle because it seems painful. We want happiness not pain. But what if we simply changed our approach towards struggle? What if we viewed struggle as not a death sentence and not a sign of weakness but an opportunity to discover strength that we did not believe in. Jesus wants our true happiness. True happiness is in knowing him and reaching eternal life with him. Earthly struggles are only temporary.

It is time to move forward.  Thank you, Mr. ED, for the comfort you have provided me thus far,  but I think that I can take it from here.  I will not dwell on the time lost. I can look forward to  the experiences I will gain in choosing  to let go.  In letting go I surrender this illusive control promised by the Eating Disorder voice. I am perfect in the eyes of my creator.  Today I chose to let go of the control and punishment. Today I chose to surrender myself to Christs care. I can not do it alone, but I can find strength in him. Hope is here.
Thanks for the love, Untill next time <3