Monday, September 22, 2014

I am CHANGING, but i am not changed

Hello my lovely readers! I hope your weekends were filled with relaxation and enjoying these last days of warm weather. I love this time of year, and in fact today is the first official day of Autumn.  I am definitely feeling a  chill change in the air! 

As I was doing my morning yoga practice I was reflecting on a state of mind that has recently been consuming my thoughts. That is- I keep finding myself experiencing these moments of joyful celebration, moments of change, moments of inspiration. These experiences are not ones that I can not quite grasp nor can I put too words, But in these moments I feel a sense of celebratory reflection- I feel that I might be over old habits and ways of thinking. But, when the moment passes and I am faced with a struggle I become disappointed thinking I am failing now. Heres the thing my situation and state of recovery does not change this much on a moment to moment basis. These are extreme shifts in perspective. ......I am not changed completely, but I am CHANGING- everyday for the better. I am growing through each experience, learning to live freer, love more generously, and live without limits. Everyday is a gift from God. We must make the choice to allow ourselves access to all of the blessings provided in this day. Anyways sorry about the detour, the following post was actually written and intended for Friday but with the long shifts and lack of internet connection I am only now getting around to posting. Please enjoy…..

…..I keep telling myself that for one month I should commit to a cleanse that will jump-start my progress towards healthy changes. I keep telling myself that I should be committed to re-establishing HEALTH for ME. This does not mean more of the restricting, starving, rules, and punishment games that result in nothing but guilt. It means regaining the control that I am currently tug-o-warring with the ED over. The problem is that I tend to adopt this ‘all or nothing mentality’ with whatever change I set my mind to. It prohibits me from rolling with the punches that life throws at me and making the best of whatever the situation might be, because anything that falls short of expectations, anything that strays from 'the plan' is considered to be failure. Whenever anything comes up that is outside of my control I feel as if the progress becomes a lost cause, and I might as well throw in the towel. Most goals seem unattainable with this all or nothing mentality, because ummm...hell-OO perfection is so unrealistic. 
So I guess that is why I keep setting this one month intention. Because that just seems more realistic to me. The truth is that Health is not about being perfect all the time. That is a total ED mentality. Progress is in being able to pick myself up when things don’t go as planned, being able to make the best out of a sucky situation, and being able to live in the moment.  Expecting to live for one month in strict abidance or the effort is a failure is already setting myself up to be disappointed. I will most likely have'failed' before day one has concluded. To attain my goals of lifelong health (not month long), balance must be allowed and flexibility is necessary! Structure is good, orienting goals and behaviors towards the goal is necessary but rigidity is unsustainable. The truth is I really don’t know what the end goal is, because I am not yet there. I can not waste my time and energy trying to create this final destination that will only be discovered through living in the moment, through the motions and experiencing both the ups and downs, triumphs and struggles, smiles and tears.  Worrying about and condemning myself when changes occur is only deturing my progress. 
Health is not a concrete objective, but it will require a constant commitment. I want to eat healthy because I believe that I will feel better, more confident and less distracted in doing so. Most importantly I believe that the only way that I can best fulfill my life’s purpose is to free myself from the restraints of these negative distractions. I want freedom from the rules, the guilt, the punishment, and the all-consuming world of food. My life does not need to revolve around the world of ED anymore. I want to focus on HEALTH and NOT FOOD. The problem is not food; and food is definitely not the solution!  Food control and punishment are merely a distraction which serve no purpose but to protect me from the emotions of life. That is not a good thing. I want to live my life, the good and the bad and to be present for those moments and emotions. This commitment means all around health. What is best for ME.  Life is now. My journey towards a healthier lifestyle is part of my current reality. The fight, the struggle, the temptations, and victories, the pain, the joy- feeling these emotions and being present in the moments is life. Awareness will lead me to a healthier and more fulfilling response. 

Over the course of my struggles with this disease I have found it difficult to chose a healthful option for my morning meal. Too many nights I went to bed deciding that the next morning I would not and should not have breakfast as punishment for my 'fat' choices of the previous day. Funny thing is when morning comes, I crave what I can not have... Breakfast! My body needs energy to fuel my day, but the rules say no. So I don't eat breakfast....More times than not I eventually end up eating something more guilt causing but less nutritious and satisfying. I mean come on the body cant survive on nothing! This morning I am starting my day out proactively with BREAKFAST.
Today I choose to honor my spirit and fuel my body.

Today I bring you......Breakfast. Inspired by the changing season that bring fall fruit, but the still warm summer temps that demand refreshing blends!

Feel Good Super Greens Goddess Power Smoothie:
1 (ripe) Banana
1 small bartlet pear
2 handfuls spinach
2 tsp lime juice
freshly grated ginger
1 scoop "super greens"
1 scoop protein of choice (My personal fave at the moment is RAW vegan vanilla protein)
 enough water to get things mixin...

wallllllAHH. delishious.