Monday, September 15, 2014

I Commit.

My apologies to those who read this Passing By Perfection looking for consistent inspiration  or truth.  My intentions are good, but I will not deny the fact that my participation on this site has been lacking. My posts have been quite sporadic- sparked by spurts of motivation as I live in the shame of this on-going struggle.
What I am about to say has taken me months to come to terms with. The thoughts and emotions associated with this truth spark more shame and disgust than you can imagine. I have an eating disorder. Well yeah…that’s nothing new! Yes I have an eating disorder, which we have been trying to get under control since I was about 10 years old. 12 years of fighting without cause. Not fighting against the ED. But rather, Me taking the side of ED and pretty much fighting AGAINST the people who are trying to help me. It started as anorexia, when I was about ten. At that time I could not accept help, seek comfort, or surrender control because I did not believe that my behaviors were disordered. They were completely normal in my reality. But, once we began to pursue treatment the reality of this disease was revealed to me and my eyes were opened to the hold it had on me.
As time has passes, and I have floated in and out of treatment, my Eating Disorder has evolved. It has grown to become a bigger beast- more deceitful and manipulative. Before I could not admit I had an eating disorder because I didn’t want help, but I was proud of my behaviors and the strength I had to push my body to its limit and resist temptations (the horrible awful temptation to feed and nourish myself) Now I am having a difficult time accepting help because I am ashamed.  I am ashamed of what it has become. My problem is much bigger than anorexia and the health risks. It is a full-fledged vicious cycle of restriction, followed by compulsive eating , and over exercising. It’s a shame-punishment cycle that is a sorry attempt at burying emotions and insecurities. Food is a means of control in what I eat, when I eat, and how I eat it. I might refuse to eat breakfast, but then feast on chocolate. Or I eat fruits until my belly feels like it might explode, but then I must exercise until the disgust is slightly tamed. That is the ugly truth of my current struggle. No matter how hard I will it to be gone, no matter how ashamed I am to call this what it is, nothing changes the truth of what it is. The eating disorder is still alive in me. This is not new news, just a postponed announcement. I am ashamed by my lack of strength and the people I have hurt (including myself). I am disappointed in the moments missed, and the friendships damaged. I am confused by the choices made and the choices I continue to struggle with making- knowing full well of the consequences. The truth is that it is too late to lament. I am ashamed of the past, but I cannot go back. I will not allow that shame of the past dictate both  the present moment and my future. The shame of the past is merely a distraction preventing me from focusing on the hope of changing this story. Something I have begun to realize is that the harder I try to hide my struggle, in shame, the more I push people away, the stronger it becomes and the lonelier I feel. The ED does not and will not EVER fill this loneliness. Acceptance, humility, compassion and forgiveness will.
I will no longer make promises, regarding consistency with posts that I cannot keep. I have strived to paint a picture of myself- one that promises dedication and resilience. One that wishes for health and is 100% committed to the fight for recovery.  While I want these things most of the time, my effort does not always reflect these desires. To say that I am currently 75% committed to recovery is generous. I want health, I really do.  And, of course, I want freedom more than anything. Sometimes I wish that if I could blink my eyes and forget about this part of me, it would all be good. Or, if only I could wake up tomorrow and my past could be erased and my future rewritten in away that eliminates this struggle. But, that is just not reality. If I 100% want freedom, then I must fight my hardest. All of the time. I commit myself 100%. This struggle does not have to define ME, but it will consume me until I come to terms with the power it has had over me.
I must remember that my Eating Disorder is only a part of me; therefore it cannot possibly be stronger than me. Here is my reality today: I can and will reclaim my life but it will take 100% commitment.   To wait around wishing away the struggle and pouting about the pain is a passive response to a situation that demands constant action. It is a slap in the face to my creator who puts purpose into every life and circumstance (Even the painful ones). I don’t know why he has given me this cross, but he must have a plan that extends beyond this present moment. I do not have to know His purpose. In fact, questioning his purpose in all of this is a waste of time. He knows me better than I know myself, and he knows how much I can handle. Maybe I am stronger than I believe. I sure hope so.  My job is to accept. My job is to give myself to him, to give my best effort to this cause and to commit 100%.  My healing and purpose will only be revealed in Gods time.
If some of you reading this are in a similar state , make the choice today to accept your struggle. Remember- You are not alone. Decide to fight. You are so worth that fight. You are Loved.
Heres to Freedom, Health, and Happiness.
I commit.


And some extra inspiration.........

Dont buy the lies, disguise, and hoops they make you jump through. You were made to fill a purpose. There could never be a more beautiful you <3

everything @theBalancedBlonde .... seriously guys this girl is inspiring