Not many good things come easy. If you are not willing to fight for what you desire, it must not be all that important or worth it... I can not honestly say that I have put up a true and decent fight against my Eating Disorder. Sure I have tried, but time and time again I have allowed myself to be discouraged by defeat. I have allowed discomfort and temptation drag me down as my eating disorder continues to cling hold of me, controlling my thoughts, dictating my actions, and sucking the life from this person I can not even recognize. As embarrassing as this might be to admit, most moments, memories, and experiences in my twenty two years on this earth have been clouded by the constant shadow of ED thoughts and drives. He has been the most important thing and my focus. But, I want freedom. I want physical health and emotional happiness. I want to enjoy the presence and company of all of the beautiful people in my life. I want to let people in. I want to love and allow myself to be loved. I want to discover and accomplish. I want so much out of life. As I see it now, it is all of this or ED. What does ED have to offer but self torture, denial, destruction, and hurt? My life is emptiness with ED. What is there but the promise of emptiness and lifelessness if I chose him? It is pain and suffering. It is physical destruction and emotional pain beyond words. I hurt. My heart is weak, and my body is frail. It doesn't have to be this way forever. I have been given such a precious gift, and a chance to live. God chose me for this life. He wants me here, or I would have been defeated long ago by the physical consequences of this disease. Rock bottom is when you realize its eating disorder or life. My life is worth the fight. I will fight to death, and that does not scare me. Because.... as of now there is little life in what the ED consumes. What is the point of living without life? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? I know I am here for a reason, I must honor the gifts of this life and discover my purpose. I will fight, and I will win. Life is precious, and it starts now.
Time to start living.
