Thinking out Loud.

Feeling lost? Thats me right now. Feeling lost in the chaos of this crazy life. Today is my first *official* day of summer so I should be enjoying the freedom. Not so. Instead, I find myself feeling more overwhelmed than ever. Unsure of where to go next. What to do. How to approach Life and the many unanswered questions I now face. I know what I should do. Take a step back. Stop pushing forward. Take the time to regroup and get back on track. Take care of myself.. for once I  need to make myself the priority. Drop the summer classes, and Stop forcing the job thing. It will work out.

I need help. I know that it would be in my best interest to seek a more structured form of treatment. But, it is so hard to admit this, and it is so easy to make excuses. I must take those summer classes...  push through... gotta work, make money, get paid. I know that my health is suffering. It is so easy to just say I cant. I have too much going on. Now is not a good time. You know the drill. If not now then when? The time will never be perfect.

Meanwhile life is passing me by.  As I am still consumed with an attitude focused on eating disorder behaviors. Sure I am in college, attending classes, hanging with friends, and going out to the bars. I am living, but not fully. As I am still trapped in the clutches of this disease I can not commit my best self to anything fully.  Because I am still caught up in the obsession. Not all of the time, but the nagging voice is still there. Sometimes it is a mere whisper that I am easily able to tune out. Yes, those are the victories that keep me motivated and hopeful. However with tribute there is also much trial. Still, far too often, the voice screams. And, I listen... far to often.  "You are not good enough to talk to him... dont bother." I listen. "You ate too much today, you cant possibly go out and expect to have a good time." I listen. "Those jeans make your thighs look fat. No... its not the jeans. You are just fat. Put some sweats on to hide that." I listen.  These are the very moments in which I miss out on life. Those simple moments that often produce the most reward, the thrill of living and acting on impulse are some very unfamiliar concepts. This is because my focus often is not in the present moment. Instead the destructive thoughts and unhealthy behaviors continue to run the show.

Today I took the first step. I am no longer taking summer school. While I do not know where my future is headed, I do know what I want. I want health. I want freedom. I want to know what it feels like to live completely.  Without the stupid voice  dictating my every voice. I consider myself to have come to a fork in the road. I am faced with two distinctly different options. The first being to keep plugging along and forcing myself to push through,  but never completely finding myself and the freedom I so deserve. OR, take a step back. Maybe lose a term`s worth of school. But. take the time to find what I am looking for in myself. I am not sure when I will gather to courage to commit myself to treatment completely, but I do know that I am becoming more comfortable with the idea of it. Who knows what this treatment will entail but I know one thing is for sure and that is I need something. It might just be a little push,  but I will never know if I do not take the risk.

Not sure if anyone is actually reading this but just in case... i apologize for the rambling. I understand that I probably am not making much sense but trying to sort through my thoughts. Just thinkinging out loud.
and i will part with these wise words and positive affirmation:

 I can face any obstacle put in my path. I remain calm and think things through. I rely on myself. I respect myself. I trust myself. All that I need is within me.

The Eating Disorder Machine

This ten week term has come and gone in the blink of an eye, and I now find myself publishing my last blog post assignment for this class.  While I do plan to continue writing,  I still consider this to be the end of one chapter and the start of something new.  I am so grateful for this experience; however, I am very much looking forward to having more freedom to pursue my own interests, goals, and posts with this blog. Thank you to all who have supported me throughout this journey.  I hope that you will continue to read as I dive headfirst into this blogging world on my own. But first things first... My last post of this chapter.

This weeks prompt asks me to reflect on a concept from this class that has interested me. Now, this might be a stretch, but I am going to make an attempt at creating a link between a principle of communication and some more personal-to-me issues related to the focuses of this blog. So bear with me, resign from judgement, and enjoy the ride..

The Classical Approach was one of the first things that we covered in this class, and so it sticks out in my mind. This method of communication embraces a rather cold and rigid attitude with respect to the person-hood of organizational participants. This method lacks character and personal attention as there is little concern held for the people preforming the work. Instead the focus is on profit: the action of preforming tasks and administrative activity, the structure of the system based on formal rules, and the science behind specific tasks and standardization.  In this practice, maximizing production is of the utmost importance. The end always justifies the means.  The 'machine metaphor' is a very appropriate representation of this approach.  There are three main components to this machine metaphor:  

1. Specialization: each part (person) has a specific function   
2. Standardization: replace-ability (workers are seen as "clogs" and are considered interchangeable) 
3. Predictability: and abides by dehumanizing rules, which put more focus on the product than  

Restricting food consumption to under five hundred calories a day for the sole purpose of gaining control. Taking guilt to the gym to burn 1000 calories on the treadmill (10 grade incline. you bet) as punishment for indulging in that piece of birthday cake. Refusing to go out with friends because eating too much that day has left you feeling fat- unworthy of being around people and having a good time.  Eating a two pound bag of carrots for dinner leaves you feeling stuffed to the brim yet completely unsatisfied (but hey at least you got your weeks worth of fiber and minimal calories were consumed.)  I am no stranger to this so called machine mindset. The practices mentioned previously don`t make sense; yet they have been, somehow, justified far too frequently.

An Eating Disorder is a psychological disease. Many of the thoughts and beliefs held by sufferers are irrational. The behaviors are ridiculous. And, the justifications for these actions are unreasonable. But somehow, we have a way of rationalizing things in our head There is a certain degree of disconnect that exists between body and mind. You might feel physical pain, hunger, exhaustion but your mind does not respond to those feelings in a constructive manner. Your body is screaming at you to "STOP" but you power through, like a machine, focused on completing the task.... preforming the behavior regardless of how you feel. Attentiveness to the inner voice is silenced and replaced by an attitude focused on pushing your body to the limits. and attaining that illusion of control regardless of the penalty. The end always justifies the means.

As a sufferer of anorexia, my mind is often in control of my actions. It represents the leadership role in this hierarchical structure (of the machine metaphor)- the oversee-er, the selfish inconsiderate boss. My body is the machine itself- the poor helpless employee, the innocent bi-standard.  My body endures the pain of consequences, which are derived from the choking grip of my eating disorder. Most people look at me, and do not assume that I am a sufferer.  As I have slowly began the road to recovery, I no longer display many of the physical symptoms of anorexia. However; I am still struggling.

 In the thick of my eating disorder, I developed quite a skill for concealing my emotions so people could not see what I was feeling. This behavior is at the very heart of the machine metaphor. Push through, don't display symptoms of weakness, control your emotions, control your body- that is what my mind tells me. But the truth is, these practices do not promise victory. In fact, that is the eating disorder talking. It is this irrational voice that drives the machine.

An eating disorder strives on ignorance and total disregard for ones own needs and person-hood. The sufferer posses` a very rigid, judgmental,  and unyielding attitude towards his/herself, similar to the classical model`s approach to employees. There is little to no regard for emotions and how certain things make you feel. These behaviors are dehumanizing.. However; there is hope in all of this. Freedom comes with denial. Not denial of your own feelings and thoughts, but denial of the eating disorders voice. It starts with being able to recognize the difference between the two, and to distinguish rational from irrational. The ultimate power is in recognizing that these thoughts are not my own. The ultimate control is in putting the recognition to practice and denying to accept these terms.

Im sorry if this post has left your heart feeling heavy. That was not my intent. An eating disorder is a nasty disease, and I believe it is important that this knowledge be spread. However; I hope that if you read between the lines, you might see this as a message of hope. There is hope in standing up to the oppressive mindset. There is hope in accepting oneself as a unique person with so much potential. There is hope in letting go of self judgement and doubt.

My hope lies in recovery.

You Can Lead a Horse to Water....

This past week we had the opportunity to listen to guest speaker, Dave Leding, discus his experiences in business  and organizational cultures. His conversation was focused on group effort contribution and the team leadership methods. In his presentation he addressed many of the tools and topics which he has personally employed to both create and grow successful business models. These models which are centered on the fundamentals of strong organizational culture and aspects of effective communication.   "Common sense, common courtesy," "Be civil, honest, and open," "Tell it, write it, tell it again, do it," these are just a few of the many instructions, on how he operates, directly quoted from his lecture

The Roles of Relationships in the Workplace.

As mentioned briefly in last weeks post,  relationships play a central role in our experiences. Relationships play a key role in our happiness and success both personally and professionally. This doesn’t mean you need to be completely extroverted in every situation. While being friendly and outgoing obviously makes you a more approachable individual, there is no exact scientific correlation between success and relationships.   Being a social butterfly is not always a guaranteed antecedent of success, and similarly being shy does not doom you to failure.  It is; however, important to make an effort to get to know the people with whom you work and learn about what skills and abilities they bring to the table. There is a strong need to build relationships regardless of your personality. In Amanda Haddaway's article titled How to Build Positive Workplace Experience, she presents these ideas and discusses the importance of attitude, work ethic, first impressions and building strong relationships from the start.

The Encounter.

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I am a quite person by nature. As a child I was painfully shy, and I struggled to find confidence in social situations. I was often 'that kid' who sat on the outskirts of social circles, feeling empty and alone, as most of the other kids playfully mingled and became acquainted. The thought of introducing myself to someone new, or God-forbid a group of strangers, inflicted a fear that was practically paralyzing. Sure I had friends and very good friends at that, but these were kids that I had grown up with...

Critical Approaches and Emotional Health

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What motivates you? For some it might be the result. Focus on the final product or reward makes the pain of work worth it. For others it might be the act of 'doing' itself.  Motivation is driven by intrinsic rewards such as the feelings of accomplishment and satisfaction gained through performing work. There are also those who are motivated by others.  Whether it be through positive encouragement or the desire to impress. All of the above can be successful forms of motivation depending on the person/personality and situation.

In the Zone at Interzone: healthy culture, happy culture

Touch, Sight, Sound, Taste, Smell- these are the means by which we measure and categorize our experiences. Our knowledge of the world depends on these modes of perception. From these interactions with sensory experiences, we draw conclusions. We make judgments. We form opinions. Directly these inferences are drawn from the messages we receive through sensory input.  Indirectly they are the result of the feelings we attribute to different outcomes of sensory interaction. We are constantly drawing conclusions based on how we ‘feel.’

Healthy What???

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Most people tend to approach “health” as a strictly physical concept. We turn our focus towards the tangible elements such as food and exercise as we blindly embark on this journey towards health. These actions; though fueled by healthy desires, often assume damaging roles.  In an effort to get fit, many people find themselves caught up in a struggle to either maintain or attain some unrealistic level of physical idealism. We have been misguided by social messages suggesting that the photo-shopped, airbrushed, and dangerously thin images in the media are beautiful and healthy. We have been convinced that we can achieve these ideal standards through self-control, diet, and exercise. We have been cultured to believe that external measurements and physical indicators are the sole definition of a healthy individual.  

When Thin is IN.. media and motivations

NEWS FLASH: thin is in, folks. When you look good you feel good. You are what you eat. These messages have been engraved in us. WE are a society obsessed with achieving 'health'. Unfortunately our attitudes and focuses surrounding this issue of what it means to be healthy are somewhat skewed. How do we define this ideal of "health" and how do we know that it has been attained? Social media sure has a way of convincing us that it has the answers. Health and fitness magazines line the shelves of nearly every supermarket, drug, and convenience store. Even the magazines that do not imply a health/fitness focus, in the title, will make some sort of weightloss claim or advertisement. But what is healthy?