Freedom isnt Free

Freedom isn't free.
Not many good things come easy. If you are not willing to fight for what you desire, it must not be all that important or worth it...  I can not honestly say that I have put up a true and decent fight against my Eating Disorder. Sure I have tried, but time and time again I have allowed myself to be discouraged by defeat. I have allowed discomfort and temptation drag me down as my eating disorder continues to cling hold of me, controlling my thoughts, dictating my actions, and sucking the life from this person I can not even recognize.  As embarrassing as this might be to admit, most moments, memories, and experiences in my twenty two years on this earth have been clouded  by the constant shadow of ED thoughts and drives. He has been the most important thing and my focus.  But, I want freedom. I want physical health and emotional happiness. I want to enjoy the presence and company of all of the beautiful people in my life. I want to let people in. I want to love and allow myself to be loved. I want to discover and accomplish. I want so much out of life. As I see it now, it is all of this or ED. What does ED have to offer but self torture, denial, destruction, and hurt? My life is emptiness with ED. What is there but the promise of emptiness and lifelessness if I chose him?  It is pain and suffering. It is physical destruction and emotional pain beyond words. I hurt. My heart is weak, and my body is frail.  It doesn't have to be this way forever.  I have been given such a precious gift, and a chance to live. God chose me for this life. He wants me here, or I would have been defeated long ago by the physical consequences of this disease. Rock bottom is when you realize its eating disorder or life. My life is worth the fight. I will fight to death, and that does not scare me. Because.... as of now there is little life in what the ED consumes. What is the point of living without life? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? I know I am here for a reason, I must honor the gifts of this life and discover my purpose. I will fight, and I will win. Life is precious, and it starts now.

                                                                                    MY life is mine to LIVE.

Time to start living.

Im Backkkkk

Woah, how time flies! It has been nearly a year since my last post. This marks the beginning of spring term. I have always looked forward to the the first day of school- a fresh start. This term is no different. I find myself giddy with enthusiasm as I fantasize over what the next few months will bring.  That`s right...Big Hope, Big Dreams, Big Changes ahead. Most often these aspirations involve unrealistic expectations, fueled by desires to 'correct' my imperfections and better myself.  I might stay 'on track' with these goals for a few weeks, but before long the pain and struggle of maintaining such an extreme level of change overcomes the satisfaction of accomplishment. Disappointment follows, and I find myself making empty promises..'tomorrow I will start fresh and undo the failures of today.' I seem to have adopted this guilt-punishment attitude as it has become my comfort and my escape.

Let me explain. Something goes wrong... Say I get a bad grade on an exam. Rather than focusing my effort on correcting the problem, I allow the problem to consume me. I start making assumptions. I tell myself that I am the problem. I punish myself with food, exercise, rules etc. My question is this: at what point did I become desensitized to the destructive nature of such a coping strategy? What is so wrong with ME that I feel not just an urge and a need to punish myself?  I seek comfort in doing so.

Every one struggles.  For most of my life I have felt stuck in the mud of my struggles. I allow the struggle to both consume and define me.  I have viewed my struggles as detours... assuring myself that as soon as I get back on track I can start living. I have recently come to this realization that the struggle is not a detour, but the path itself. It is my life right now. Have you heard of the phrase "No mud, No lotus"? I recently listened to a talk, given by Tara Brach, regarding this very topic. In her audio she discusses this fear we harbor towards struggle.  Difficulties, challenges, struggles- they are not always comfortable to experience. They are the mud. They are the realness, and the vulnerability that we feel. When faced with adversity, it is human nature to want to escape... to run...to avoid whatever pain might be associated with the struggle.  My eating disorder has been my escape.

Remember that tendency I have to self punish?? When I feel stuck in the mud and I don't know how to stay. Punishment is the solution. When I feel lost or hopeless, I assume that there is a problem with me... punishment is my response. How is punishment soothing? One word: escape. It takes the focus off of the struggle directing my focus towards something within the scoop of my 'control.' In doing this I am not actively dealing, but passively avoiding. I am using  external means to numb and soothe the internal discomfort. And so, the same struggles continue to surface and never fade. My eating disorder has provided a source of comfort to get me through some tough times, for as long as I can remember. Tara Brach challenges this tendency to use addictive practices to cope. Instead she challenges the idea to allow the struggle to strengthen us. If we allow it to, whatever mud we might be experiencing holds the key to awakening compassion and wisdom.

We can not control what happens to us, but our Creator gave us the free will to interpret and respond to whatever challenge we might face in a way that serves us. Our struggles do not have to define us, but they can and will shape us into stronger, more compassionate beings. If only we embrace them with the right attitude. We run from struggle because it seems painful. We want happiness not pain. But what if we simply changed our approach towards struggle? What if we viewed struggle as not a death sentence and not a sign of weakness but an opportunity to discover strength that we did not believe in. Jesus wants our true happiness. True happiness is in knowing him and reaching eternal life with him. Earthly struggles are only temporary.

It is time to move forward.  Thank you, Mr. ED, for the comfort you have provided me thus far,  but I think that I can take it from here.  I will not dwell on the time lost. I can look forward to  the experiences I will gain in choosing  to let go.  In letting go I surrender this illusive control promised by the Eating Disorder voice. I am perfect in the eyes of my creator.  Today I chose to let go of the control and punishment. Today I chose to surrender myself to Christs care. I can not do it alone, but I can find strength in him. Hope is here.
Thanks for the love, Untill next time <3

Thinking out Loud.

Feeling lost? Thats me right now. Feeling lost in the chaos of this crazy life. Today is my first *official* day of summer so I should be enjoying the freedom. Not so. Instead, I find myself feeling more overwhelmed than ever. Unsure of where to go next. What to do. How to approach Life and the many unanswered questions I now face. I know what I should do. Take a step back. Stop pushing forward. Take the time to regroup and get back on track. Take care of myself.. for once I  need to make myself the priority. Drop the summer classes, and Stop forcing the job thing. It will work out.

I need help. I know that it would be in my best interest to seek a more structured form of treatment. But, it is so hard to admit this, and it is so easy to make excuses. I must take those summer classes...  push through... gotta work, make money, get paid. I know that my health is suffering. It is so easy to just say I cant. I have too much going on. Now is not a good time. You know the drill. If not now then when? The time will never be perfect.

Meanwhile life is passing me by.  As I am still consumed with an attitude focused on eating disorder behaviors. Sure I am in college, attending classes, hanging with friends, and going out to the bars. I am living, but not fully. As I am still trapped in the clutches of this disease I can not commit my best self to anything fully.  Because I am still caught up in the obsession. Not all of the time, but the nagging voice is still there. Sometimes it is a mere whisper that I am easily able to tune out. Yes, those are the victories that keep me motivated and hopeful. However with tribute there is also much trial. Still, far too often, the voice screams. And, I listen... far to often.  "You are not good enough to talk to him... dont bother." I listen. "You ate too much today, you cant possibly go out and expect to have a good time." I listen. "Those jeans make your thighs look fat. No... its not the jeans. You are just fat. Put some sweats on to hide that." I listen.  These are the very moments in which I miss out on life. Those simple moments that often produce the most reward, the thrill of living and acting on impulse are some very unfamiliar concepts. This is because my focus often is not in the present moment. Instead the destructive thoughts and unhealthy behaviors continue to run the show.

Today I took the first step. I am no longer taking summer school. While I do not know where my future is headed, I do know what I want. I want health. I want freedom. I want to know what it feels like to live completely.  Without the stupid voice  dictating my every voice. I consider myself to have come to a fork in the road. I am faced with two distinctly different options. The first being to keep plugging along and forcing myself to push through,  but never completely finding myself and the freedom I so deserve. OR, take a step back. Maybe lose a term`s worth of school. But. take the time to find what I am looking for in myself. I am not sure when I will gather to courage to commit myself to treatment completely, but I do know that I am becoming more comfortable with the idea of it. Who knows what this treatment will entail but I know one thing is for sure and that is I need something. It might just be a little push,  but I will never know if I do not take the risk.

Not sure if anyone is actually reading this but just in case... i apologize for the rambling. I understand that I probably am not making much sense but trying to sort through my thoughts. Just thinkinging out loud.
and i will part with these wise words and positive affirmation:

 I can face any obstacle put in my path. I remain calm and think things through. I rely on myself. I respect myself. I trust myself. All that I need is within me.