Woah, how time flies! It has been nearly a year since my last post. This marks the beginning of spring term. I have always looked forward to the the first day of school- a fresh start. This term is no different. I find myself giddy with enthusiasm as I fantasize over what the next few months will bring. That`s right...Big Hope, Big Dreams, Big Changes ahead. Most often these aspirations involve unrealistic expectations, fueled by
desires to 'correct' my imperfections and better myself. I might stay 'on track' with these goals for a few weeks, but before long the pain and struggle of maintaining such an extreme level of change overcomes the satisfaction of accomplishment. Disappointment follows, and I find myself making empty promises..'tomorrow I will start fresh and undo the failures of today.' I seem to have adopted this guilt-punishment attitude as it has become my comfort and my escape.
Let me explain. Something goes wrong... Say I get a bad grade on an exam. Rather than focusing my effort on correcting the problem, I allow the problem to consume me. I start making assumptions. I tell myself that I am the problem. I punish myself with food, exercise, rules etc. My question is this: at what point did I become desensitized to the destructive nature of such a coping strategy? What is so wrong with ME that I feel not just an urge and a need to punish myself? I seek comfort in doing so.
Every one struggles. For most of my life I have felt stuck in the mud of my struggles. I allow the
struggle to both consume and define me. I have viewed my struggles as
detours... assuring myself that as soon as I get back on track I can
start living. I have recently come to this realization that the struggle is not a detour, but the path itself. It is my life right now. Have you heard of the phrase "No mud, No lotus"? I recently listened to a talk, given by Tara Brach, regarding this very topic. In her audio she discusses this fear we harbor towards struggle. Difficulties, challenges, struggles- they are not always comfortable to experience. They are the mud. They are the realness, and the vulnerability that we feel. When faced with adversity, it is human nature to want to escape... to run...to avoid whatever pain might be associated with the struggle. My eating disorder has been my escape.
Remember that tendency I have to self punish?? When I feel stuck in the mud and I don't know how to stay. Punishment is the solution. When I feel lost or hopeless, I assume that there is a problem with me... punishment is my response. How is punishment soothing? One word: escape. It takes the focus off of the struggle directing my focus towards something within the scoop of my 'control.' In doing this I am not actively dealing, but passively avoiding. I am using external means to numb and soothe the internal discomfort. And so, the same struggles continue to surface and never fade. My eating disorder has provided a source of comfort to get me through some tough times, for as long as I can remember. Tara Brach challenges this tendency to use addictive practices to cope. Instead she challenges the idea to allow the struggle to strengthen us. If we allow it to, whatever mud we might be experiencing holds the key to awakening compassion and wisdom.
We can not control what happens to us, but our Creator gave us the free will to interpret and respond to whatever challenge we might face in a way that serves us. Our struggles do not have to
define us, but they can and will shape us into stronger, more
compassionate beings. If only we embrace them with the right attitude. We run from struggle because it seems painful. We want happiness not pain. But what if we simply changed our approach towards struggle? What if we viewed struggle as not a death sentence and not a sign of weakness but an opportunity to discover strength that we did not believe in. Jesus wants our true happiness. True happiness is in knowing him and reaching eternal life with him. Earthly struggles are only temporary.
It is time to move forward. Thank you, Mr. ED, for
the comfort you have provided me thus far, but I think that I can take
it from here. I will not dwell on the time lost. I can look forward to
the experiences I will gain in choosing to let go. In letting go I surrender this illusive control promised by the Eating Disorder voice. I am perfect in the eyes of my creator. Today I chose to let go of the control and punishment. Today I chose to surrender myself to Christs care. I can not do it alone, but I can find strength in him. Hope is here.
Thanks for the love, Untill next time <3
Friday, April 11, 2014
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Thinking out Loud.
Feeling lost? Thats me right now. Feeling lost in the chaos of this crazy life. Today is my first *official* day of summer so I should be enjoying the freedom. Not so. Instead, I find myself feeling more overwhelmed than ever. Unsure of where to go next. What to do. How to approach Life and the many unanswered questions I now face. I know what I should do. Take a step back. Stop pushing forward. Take the time to regroup and get back on track. Take care of myself.. for once I need to make myself the priority. Drop the summer classes, and Stop forcing the job thing. It will work out.
I need help. I know that it would be in my best interest to seek a more structured form of treatment. But, it is so hard to admit this, and it is so easy to make excuses. I must take those summer classes... push through... gotta work, make money, get paid. I know that my health is suffering. It is so easy to just say I cant. I have too much going on. Now is not a good time. You know the drill. If not now then when? The time will never be perfect.
Meanwhile life is passing me by. As I am still consumed with an attitude focused on eating disorder behaviors. Sure I am in college, attending classes, hanging with friends, and going out to the bars. I am living, but not fully. As I am still trapped in the clutches of this disease I can not commit my best self to anything fully. Because I am still caught up in the obsession. Not all of the time, but the nagging voice is still there. Sometimes it is a mere whisper that I am easily able to tune out. Yes, those are the victories that keep me motivated and hopeful. However with tribute there is also much trial. Still, far too often, the voice screams. And, I listen... far to often. "You are not good enough to talk to him... dont bother." I listen. "You ate too much today, you cant possibly go out and expect to have a good time." I listen. "Those jeans make your thighs look fat. No... its not the jeans. You are just fat. Put some sweats on to hide that." I listen. These are the very moments in which I miss out on life. Those simple moments that often produce the most reward, the thrill of living and acting on impulse are some very unfamiliar concepts. This is because my focus often is not in the present moment. Instead the destructive thoughts and unhealthy behaviors continue to run the show.
Today I took the first step. I am no longer taking summer school. While I do not know where my future is headed, I do know what I want. I want health. I want freedom. I want to know what it feels like to live completely. Without the stupid voice dictating my every voice. I consider myself to have come to a fork in the road. I am faced with two distinctly different options. The first being to keep plugging along and forcing myself to push through, but never completely finding myself and the freedom I so deserve. OR, take a step back. Maybe lose a term`s worth of school. But. take the time to find what I am looking for in myself. I am not sure when I will gather to courage to commit myself to treatment completely, but I do know that I am becoming more comfortable with the idea of it. Who knows what this treatment will entail but I know one thing is for sure and that is I need something. It might just be a little push, but I will never know if I do not take the risk.
Not sure if anyone is actually reading this but just in case... i apologize for the rambling. I understand that I probably am not making much sense but trying to sort through my thoughts. Just thinkinging out loud.
and i will part with these wise words and positive affirmation:
I can face any obstacle put in my path. I remain calm and think things through. I rely on myself. I respect myself. I trust myself. All that I need is within me.
I need help. I know that it would be in my best interest to seek a more structured form of treatment. But, it is so hard to admit this, and it is so easy to make excuses. I must take those summer classes... push through... gotta work, make money, get paid. I know that my health is suffering. It is so easy to just say I cant. I have too much going on. Now is not a good time. You know the drill. If not now then when? The time will never be perfect.
Meanwhile life is passing me by. As I am still consumed with an attitude focused on eating disorder behaviors. Sure I am in college, attending classes, hanging with friends, and going out to the bars. I am living, but not fully. As I am still trapped in the clutches of this disease I can not commit my best self to anything fully. Because I am still caught up in the obsession. Not all of the time, but the nagging voice is still there. Sometimes it is a mere whisper that I am easily able to tune out. Yes, those are the victories that keep me motivated and hopeful. However with tribute there is also much trial. Still, far too often, the voice screams. And, I listen... far to often. "You are not good enough to talk to him... dont bother." I listen. "You ate too much today, you cant possibly go out and expect to have a good time." I listen. "Those jeans make your thighs look fat. No... its not the jeans. You are just fat. Put some sweats on to hide that." I listen. These are the very moments in which I miss out on life. Those simple moments that often produce the most reward, the thrill of living and acting on impulse are some very unfamiliar concepts. This is because my focus often is not in the present moment. Instead the destructive thoughts and unhealthy behaviors continue to run the show.
Today I took the first step. I am no longer taking summer school. While I do not know where my future is headed, I do know what I want. I want health. I want freedom. I want to know what it feels like to live completely. Without the stupid voice dictating my every voice. I consider myself to have come to a fork in the road. I am faced with two distinctly different options. The first being to keep plugging along and forcing myself to push through, but never completely finding myself and the freedom I so deserve. OR, take a step back. Maybe lose a term`s worth of school. But. take the time to find what I am looking for in myself. I am not sure when I will gather to courage to commit myself to treatment completely, but I do know that I am becoming more comfortable with the idea of it. Who knows what this treatment will entail but I know one thing is for sure and that is I need something. It might just be a little push, but I will never know if I do not take the risk.
Not sure if anyone is actually reading this but just in case... i apologize for the rambling. I understand that I probably am not making much sense but trying to sort through my thoughts. Just thinkinging out loud.
and i will part with these wise words and positive affirmation:
I can face any obstacle put in my path. I remain calm and think things through. I rely on myself. I respect myself. I trust myself. All that I need is within me.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
The Eating Disorder Machine
This ten week term has come and gone in the blink of an eye, and I now find myself publishing my last blog post assignment for this class. While I do plan to continue writing, I still consider this to be the end of one chapter and the start of something new. I am so grateful for this experience; however, I am very much looking forward to having more freedom to pursue my own interests, goals, and posts with this blog. Thank you to all who have supported me throughout this journey. I hope that you will continue to read as I dive headfirst into this blogging world on my own. But first things first... My last post of this chapter.
This weeks prompt asks me to reflect on a concept from this class that has interested me. Now, this might be a stretch, but I am going to make an attempt at creating a link between a principle of communication and some more personal-to-me issues related to the focuses of this blog. So bear with me, resign from judgement, and enjoy the ride..
The Classical Approach was one of the first things that we covered in this class, and so it sticks out in my mind. This method of communication embraces a rather cold and rigid attitude with respect to the person-hood of organizational participants. This method lacks character and personal attention as there is little concern held for the people preforming the work. Instead the focus is on profit: the action of preforming tasks and administrative activity, the structure of the system based on formal rules, and the science behind specific tasks and standardization. In this practice, maximizing production is of the utmost importance. The end always justifies the means. The 'machine metaphor' is a very appropriate representation of this approach. There are three main components to this machine metaphor:
An Eating Disorder is a psychological disease. Many of the thoughts and beliefs held by sufferers are irrational. The behaviors are ridiculous. And, the justifications for these actions are unreasonable. But somehow, we have a way of rationalizing things in our head There is a certain degree of disconnect that exists between body and mind. You might feel physical pain, hunger, exhaustion but your mind does not respond to those feelings in a constructive manner. Your body is screaming at you to "STOP" but you power through, like a machine, focused on completing the task.... preforming the behavior regardless of how you feel. Attentiveness to the inner voice is silenced and replaced by an attitude focused on pushing your body to the limits. and attaining that illusion of control regardless of the penalty. The end always justifies the means.
As a sufferer of anorexia, my mind is often in control of my actions. It represents the leadership role in this hierarchical structure (of the machine metaphor)- the oversee-er, the selfish inconsiderate boss. My body is the machine itself- the poor helpless employee, the innocent bi-standard. My body endures the pain of consequences, which are derived from the choking grip of my eating disorder. Most people look at me, and do not assume that I am a sufferer. As I have slowly began the road to recovery, I no longer display many of the physical symptoms of anorexia. However; I am still struggling.
In the thick of my eating disorder, I developed quite a skill for concealing my emotions so people could not see what I was feeling. This behavior is at the very heart of the machine metaphor. Push through, don't display symptoms of weakness, control your emotions, control your body- that is what my mind tells me. But the truth is, these practices do not promise victory. In fact, that is the eating disorder talking. It is this irrational voice that drives the machine.
An eating disorder strives on ignorance and total disregard for ones own needs and person-hood. The sufferer posses` a very rigid, judgmental, and unyielding attitude towards his/herself, similar to the classical model`s approach to employees. There is little to no regard for emotions and how certain things make you feel. These behaviors are dehumanizing.. However; there is hope in all of this. Freedom comes with denial. Not denial of your own feelings and thoughts, but denial of the eating disorders voice. It starts with being able to recognize the difference between the two, and to distinguish rational from irrational. The ultimate power is in recognizing that these thoughts are not my own. The ultimate control is in putting the recognition to practice and denying to accept these terms.
Im sorry if this post has left your heart feeling heavy. That was not my intent. An eating disorder is a nasty disease, and I believe it is important that this knowledge be spread. However; I hope that if you read between the lines, you might see this as a message of hope. There is hope in standing up to the oppressive mindset. There is hope in accepting oneself as a unique person with so much potential. There is hope in letting go of self judgement and doubt.
My hope lies in recovery.
This weeks prompt asks me to reflect on a concept from this class that has interested me. Now, this might be a stretch, but I am going to make an attempt at creating a link between a principle of communication and some more personal-to-me issues related to the focuses of this blog. So bear with me, resign from judgement, and enjoy the ride..
The Classical Approach was one of the first things that we covered in this class, and so it sticks out in my mind. This method of communication embraces a rather cold and rigid attitude with respect to the person-hood of organizational participants. This method lacks character and personal attention as there is little concern held for the people preforming the work. Instead the focus is on profit: the action of preforming tasks and administrative activity, the structure of the system based on formal rules, and the science behind specific tasks and standardization. In this practice, maximizing production is of the utmost importance. The end always justifies the means. The 'machine metaphor' is a very appropriate representation of this approach. There are three main components to this machine metaphor:
- Specialization: each part (person) has a specific function
- Standardization: replace-ability (workers are seen as "clogs" and are considered interchangeable)
- Predictability: and abides by dehumanizing rules, which put more focus on the product than
An Eating Disorder is a psychological disease. Many of the thoughts and beliefs held by sufferers are irrational. The behaviors are ridiculous. And, the justifications for these actions are unreasonable. But somehow, we have a way of rationalizing things in our head There is a certain degree of disconnect that exists between body and mind. You might feel physical pain, hunger, exhaustion but your mind does not respond to those feelings in a constructive manner. Your body is screaming at you to "STOP" but you power through, like a machine, focused on completing the task.... preforming the behavior regardless of how you feel. Attentiveness to the inner voice is silenced and replaced by an attitude focused on pushing your body to the limits. and attaining that illusion of control regardless of the penalty. The end always justifies the means.
As a sufferer of anorexia, my mind is often in control of my actions. It represents the leadership role in this hierarchical structure (of the machine metaphor)- the oversee-er, the selfish inconsiderate boss. My body is the machine itself- the poor helpless employee, the innocent bi-standard. My body endures the pain of consequences, which are derived from the choking grip of my eating disorder. Most people look at me, and do not assume that I am a sufferer. As I have slowly began the road to recovery, I no longer display many of the physical symptoms of anorexia. However; I am still struggling.
In the thick of my eating disorder, I developed quite a skill for concealing my emotions so people could not see what I was feeling. This behavior is at the very heart of the machine metaphor. Push through, don't display symptoms of weakness, control your emotions, control your body- that is what my mind tells me. But the truth is, these practices do not promise victory. In fact, that is the eating disorder talking. It is this irrational voice that drives the machine.
An eating disorder strives on ignorance and total disregard for ones own needs and person-hood. The sufferer posses` a very rigid, judgmental, and unyielding attitude towards his/herself, similar to the classical model`s approach to employees. There is little to no regard for emotions and how certain things make you feel. These behaviors are dehumanizing.. However; there is hope in all of this. Freedom comes with denial. Not denial of your own feelings and thoughts, but denial of the eating disorders voice. It starts with being able to recognize the difference between the two, and to distinguish rational from irrational. The ultimate power is in recognizing that these thoughts are not my own. The ultimate control is in putting the recognition to practice and denying to accept these terms.
Im sorry if this post has left your heart feeling heavy. That was not my intent. An eating disorder is a nasty disease, and I believe it is important that this knowledge be spread. However; I hope that if you read between the lines, you might see this as a message of hope. There is hope in standing up to the oppressive mindset. There is hope in accepting oneself as a unique person with so much potential. There is hope in letting go of self judgement and doubt.
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