Cheese is...Just Cheese.

I ate cheese today.
Yes I did. I ate cheese. Tonight, while preparing cheesy bread for the rest of my family.. I took a nibble, and another, and another. I ate some cheese, and nothing happened.
There I said it, and most of you are likely thinking to yourself...yeah, so what? Well the what is this... to admit to eating cheese is a very horrifying thing. For the past 18 months I have loosely clung to this identity of "vegan."  Many objectives fueled my desire. I wanted to try it. No harm in that! I had watched several films re- health determent's of excess meat consumption and/or animal products. Not to mention, the information regarding animal cruelty really struck conflict with me. While I do not consider myself a "hippy" by any stretch, I consider cruelty to animals an evil action. Anyways I am NOT going to get into the details of my more than likely faulty argument. The point is, my Eating Disorder was not the sole contributing factor for making this switch.  The shift was gradual, and not super extreme. I claimed  to be vegan, yet occasionally would slip in my ways and have a bite of something that contained animal products.
I said nothing happened. Initially nothing DID happen, until i was confronted by the sequential shame that always follows  this action. This is a feeling I have become all to familiar with these last few months as I attempt to cling to this vegan identity, while my heart and mind are telling me to let go.  The shame is quite unbearable. I am a phony because I claim to be one thing but not always do I stick  to it.
 The thing is I truly believe that I feel best, both psychologically and physically, living off a primarily plant based diet. That being said... rules are not good for me at this moment in time. They are constricting, at a time when I am trying to break free. Choosing Vegan is not an Eating disorder, but obsession over the rules is a symptom of ED.  Any opportunity it has to make rules, and set limits on food is an open invitation to let the ED take over.
I am Sarah Kristine Seus. I a a believer. Lover. Friend. Sister. Daughter. Student. Yogi. Athlete. Health enthusiast.I am a fighter.  I am many things. I do not need my diet to define me. I will continue to fight for freedom from the rules of Ed which I have so willingly surrendered my days to. I Will continue to explore, with curiosity not judgment how my body might respond to the new foods that I might put into it. 
Thank you for the support.
I pray that whoever is reading this might be inspired to try one thing today... try to say no to rules and give yourself the opportunity to trust yourself!

Today.

In response to this day: This day was not what I expected. My food choices did not live up to my expectations. I am left feeling ashamed, defeated, sad, and disgusted.

But, tonight I am taking this negativity as an opportunity to be curious. “Is my day merely defined by the food that I eat?”

Today I woke up happy and committed to making it a good day. I woke up energized and inspired to make the most of this day. I treated myself to fitness with a healthy attitude, not to punish. I kept in mind this idea of compassion, “I am moving because it is what my body needs and deserves.” I enjoyed an easy yoga practice that calmed my mind. I walked and reflected upon my many thoughts. Today I was able to share the Gospel with my dear Pops. I met my cousin for a spur of the moment coffee date. All of this before noon!

I walked to the adoration chapel. Thank you Jesus for my life today! After this I felt inspired to keep sharing this energy so I took the drive over to visit my daddy at work. Oh the joy that someone’s smile and presence can bring to a day.

Despite what my eating disorder tells me, This day was not a loss. I did not sit at home and mope, nor did I punish myself when I felt at a loss for answers. This moment of disappointment and discouragement will not consume me to the point that I choose to hate today, and myself for that matter. Today was not a failure. It was a battle well fought. Today was a victory, in that I am able to recognize the shortcomings, but not let them define my day as failure. I am writing this note mostly to myself to make this fact undeniable: Today was a BLESSING.

I am learning, growing, and thriving everyday that I choose to see the challenges as opportunities and the losses not as failures but as precious lessons learned.

Thank you Jesus for today :)

....and a totally random photo of my kitty... but he makes me smile.

Ho Simey!

 

I am CHANGING, but i am not changed

Hello my lovely readers! I hope your weekends were filled with relaxation and enjoying these last days of warm weather. I love this time of year, and in fact today is the first official day of Autumn.  I am definitely feeling a  chill change in the air! 

As I was doing my morning yoga practice I was reflecting on a state of mind that has recently been consuming my thoughts. That is- I keep finding myself experiencing these moments of joyful celebration, moments of change, moments of inspiration. These experiences are not ones that I can not quite grasp nor can I put too words, But in these moments I feel a sense of celebratory reflection- I feel that I might be over old habits and ways of thinking. But, when the moment passes and I am faced with a struggle I become disappointed thinking I am failing now. Heres the thing my situation and state of recovery does not change this much on a moment to moment basis. These are extreme shifts in perspective. ......I am not changed completely, but I am CHANGING- everyday for the better. I am growing through each experience, learning to live freer, love more generously, and live without limits. Everyday is a gift from God. We must make the choice to allow ourselves access to all of the blessings provided in this day. Anyways sorry about the detour, the following post was actually written and intended for Friday but with the long shifts and lack of internet connection I am only now getting around to posting. Please enjoy…..

…..I keep telling myself that for one month I should commit to a cleanse that will jump-start my progress towards healthy changes. I keep telling myself that I should be committed to re-establishing HEALTH for ME. This does not mean more of the restricting, starving, rules, and punishment games that result in nothing but guilt. It means regaining the control that I am currently tug-o-warring with the ED over. The problem is that I tend to adopt this ‘all or nothing mentality’ with whatever change I set my mind to. It prohibits me from rolling with the punches that life throws at me and making the best of whatever the situation might be, because anything that falls short of expectations, anything that strays from 'the plan' is considered to be failure. Whenever anything comes up that is outside of my control I feel as if the progress becomes a lost cause, and I might as well throw in the towel. Most goals seem unattainable with this all or nothing mentality, because ummm...hell-OO perfection is so unrealistic. 
So I guess that is why I keep setting this one month intention. Because that just seems more realistic to me. The truth is that Health is not about being perfect all the time. That is a total ED mentality. Progress is in being able to pick myself up when things don’t go as planned, being able to make the best out of a sucky situation, and being able to live in the moment.  Expecting to live for one month in strict abidance or the effort is a failure is already setting myself up to be disappointed. I will most likely have'failed' before day one has concluded. To attain my goals of lifelong health (not month long), balance must be allowed and flexibility is necessary! Structure is good, orienting goals and behaviors towards the goal is necessary but rigidity is unsustainable. The truth is I really don’t know what the end goal is, because I am not yet there. I can not waste my time and energy trying to create this final destination that will only be discovered through living in the moment, through the motions and experiencing both the ups and downs, triumphs and struggles, smiles and tears.  Worrying about and condemning myself when changes occur is only deturing my progress. 
Health is not a concrete objective, but it will require a constant commitment. I want to eat healthy because I believe that I will feel better, more confident and less distracted in doing so. Most importantly I believe that the only way that I can best fulfill my life’s purpose is to free myself from the restraints of these negative distractions. I want freedom from the rules, the guilt, the punishment, and the all-consuming world of food. My life does not need to revolve around the world of ED anymore. I want to focus on HEALTH and NOT FOOD. The problem is not food; and food is definitely not the solution!  Food control and punishment are merely a distraction which serve no purpose but to protect me from the emotions of life. That is not a good thing. I want to live my life, the good and the bad and to be present for those moments and emotions. This commitment means all around health. What is best for ME.  Life is now. My journey towards a healthier lifestyle is part of my current reality. The fight, the struggle, the temptations, and victories, the pain, the joy- feeling these emotions and being present in the moments is life. Awareness will lead me to a healthier and more fulfilling response. 

Over the course of my struggles with this disease I have found it difficult to chose a healthful option for my morning meal. Too many nights I went to bed deciding that the next morning I would not and should not have breakfast as punishment for my 'fat' choices of the previous day. Funny thing is when morning comes, I crave what I can not have... Breakfast! My body needs energy to fuel my day, but the rules say no. So I don't eat breakfast....More times than not I eventually end up eating something more guilt causing but less nutritious and satisfying. I mean come on the body cant survive on nothing! This morning I am starting my day out proactively with BREAKFAST.

Today I choose to honor my spirit and fuel my body.

Today I bring you......Breakfast. Inspired by the changing season that bring fall fruit, but the still warm summer temps that demand refreshing blends!

Feel Good Super Greens Goddess Power Smoothie:

1 (ripe) Banana

1 small bartlet pear

2 handfuls spinach

2 tsp lime juice

freshly grated ginger

1 scoop "super greens"

1 scoop protein of choice (My personal fave at the moment is RAW vegan vanilla protein)

 enough water to get things mixin...

wallllllAHH. delishious.

ENJOY.

xoxox,

Sarah

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