HE>i

^"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

His plan>My fears of the Unplanned.
Each day I am reminded of the power he posses to intercede in my life. Sunday night I spent some time planning my week, scheduling workouts, penciling in appointments, and writing my to-do list. I knew that Monday, in particular, would be a busy day. Because I am trying to focus more attention on maintaining healthy balance with meals throughout the day, I decided to make a rough meal plan for the day ahead.  I know my weakness to give in under pressure and stress so I figured this plan ahead would give me an upper hand. As luck would have it, my Monday quickly veered from the projected and in turn affected "my planned" out day/meals/schedule etc...
It threw me for a loop. Nothing horrible happened, and looking back on yesterday I am trying to uncover what really went so wrong. The truth is nothing went WRONG..just not according to MY plan. Sometimes that is so wrong in my book. 
I know that God has his own plans for me, and it is nearly impossible to fight it. At some point yesterday I had to accept that I was not in control of everything I wanted to be.  I had zero control over the fact that eight people walked in to the INN fifteen minutes before we were supposed to close; I had no choice but to serve them with a smile. I could not change the fact that I had to miss my orthodontist appointment because I was stuck at work later than expected.  I could not undo the choices that caused me to skip breakfast. I could not do a thing about the delayed departure from work which had me scrambling to get to my counseling session in time. These events just happened. The day was not a disaster, but by noon I was already feeling like a failure.. Why? Because I couldn't hold it together enough to stick to my plan. 
My plans for tomorrow are merely expectations for myself  if everything else goes according to my expectations, but how often does it actually work out this way.
Tonight again I found myself "planning" my tomorrow. I have an early morning shift again and it just seemed like getting organized the night before is a smart way to go. I had to stop though. I had to stop writing out my tomorrow because I really have no idea how it will turn up. My plan for tomorrow is to live in the moment, and to act on instinct. I do not need a list to tell me what to do next. My goodness, that list holds absolutely no regard for the person I am. My plan is to respond to the unexpected with compassion and understanding rather than guilt and punishment. I am not to blame for all that goes wrong, or not even wrong but just different. My plan is to put my trust in the Lord because his plan is never to harm me, but to give hope and a future. 
Let go and trust. You can not worry about tomorrow when you do not even know how it will come to be.

Sieze ToDAY

We have all heard of the term "Once in a lifetime opportunity..."
This is usually used to describe something incredible, implying an opportunity that you should not pass up, it wont come again!

The crazy thing is that I believe each moment deserves that kind of attention and reverence. Why? Because each moment in our life is a once in a lifetime. This moment, right now, is something so uniquely spectacular because for all of eternity it will not come again. This moment, right now, is so precious because it will be done before I can think it.
Its done and in my past.

I can not go back and change my thoughts, or actions of the previous, so why on earth should I waste time criticizing it?  I know, a moment seems so insignificant in a day that consists of hundreds of moments. But piece them together and you have a beautiful collection of moments that comprise a day.

In twenty-four hours, I am gifted with moments of fear, shame, sadness, defeat, pain, joy, gladness, victory, comfort, love. Some moments are spent with friends, and others are spent with those whom we cant stand.  There are moments spent alone in precious solitude and reflection...these are my favorite :) The point is that each day is so unique and unpredictable, and with that said  there are so many ways to spend our moments in the day.

I believe that each moment is on its own- a gift, and its totally up to me to decide how I will spend it. Its crazy to think about- mind blowing! Imagine how much power we posses to create our own precious moments. 

But what gives one moment more value over any other? Nothing outside of our control. Whether you are facing tragedy or joyous celebration, the power of this moment lies well within your grasp. My words for you today are rather than to focus on the day, focus on  ceasing THIS moment. Right now is once in a lifetime, so take the opportunities of right now and live them to the fullest.

Throughout the ups and downs of this past years journey I have discovered so much peace in reclaiming the present moment. In the depths of my eating disorder days, and still some days now, it was not uncommon for me to waste an afternoon fretting over what I ate for breakfast, or better yet worrying about how I will fit a long enough workout in tomorrow.... But what purpose do these worries serve me in this moment?

Today I am trying dilligently to focus my all on each moment. This means being present and living in THIS moment, not the last or the next. Right now is where I am, and that is the only place I should be. I want to thank the past for what has taught me- through mistakes and misfortunes. I want to look forward to what lies ahead in the future. Most importantly though, I want to be content in this moment. That doesn't mean that I must do anything extraordinary, but simply to remind myself that I am here living in the now gives me the advantage in capturing the beauty of each moment.
 
With each exhaling breath I am trying to focus on letting go of the past moment and we saying goodbye to what is done.  I have enough to focus on in the here and now :)

How do I Seize my moments???

I *inhale* take in the beauty of spring blossoms

I do Yoga on the beach, at sunset, living in the moment.

I choose to not just feed my body, but to heal my mind body and soul with nourishing foods

I live in Peace babay`

I surrender the moment to Christ

Be good>loooking perfect saves worries from the moment

Walking and breathing is peace

cocoa berry bliss.

HOW DO YOU SEIZE YOUR MOMENTS?? :)

Getting on that BBG Bandwagon.

Hello strangers.
It has been entirely too long!
I am in the midst of trying to juggle school, work, and a less than thriving social life. Oh the obligations of a twenty three year old ;)
Anyways  I am here to talk about this thing called BBG- a craze that I just happened to stumble across when I ran into my first BBG girls transformation photo/story. I have been following this girl on insta ever since and her transformation opened my eyes to this whole fitfam that this movement has created.

                  And what IS this BBG, you might ask?

For those of you not familiar with this program, it was designed by an Australian native and fitness guru Kayla Itsines. Check out her blog, follow her on instagram... do whatever you need to do. But, I am telling you that you will be inspired. Health is so much more than just those fluctuating numbers that we see on the scale. Health is about deciding to love yourself today and make the choice to be fit because you LOVE yourself not to punish. This is so the approach that Kayla takes, and the exact inspiration which I was craving.
Not to mention, the proof is in the pudding. There is no denying that success with this program will take time, hard work, sweat, and sacrifice. But, after spending months of spectating and wishing "what if" I have decided that I too am worth the results of health and happiness. I have  decided that I owe it to myself to take the leap and give this healthy lifestyle a shot. This is not about numbers and restriction for me. And this is the first time that I can say that with complete honesty. When it comes to joining any kind of "program" for me the bottom line has always been about the numbers (lost). Of course the transformation photos are so encouraging, and I would love to have a body that looks half as fit as some of these girls, but the bottom line for me now..... is that I know that this program produces lasting HEALTHY results.
Regardless of how much I hate my before photo and how ashamed I am to show it. Regardless of what The after photo  might look like; I know that the bottom line is, if I commit to this program I will be making choices that bring me closer to my goals with health.  With that I will say that I am so excited and inspired to get on this BBG train!

I will be starting both the workout program and H.E.L.P. (healthy eating/living plan) this coming Monday, February 2nd. As I mentioned before, this is no quick fix, but a twelve week program, that is intended to be carried on beyond the three months. I will be sure to post updates, reflections, progress in the weeks to come. Thank you as always for the love and support.
Cheers!
Sarah

Blogging Inspiration, Friday Faves

I have been in quite a reflective mood these past few days... Alot of deep stuff on my mind... I will admit that I tend to ramble on about topics that mean much to me, but simply do not carry the same weight for those readers. My biggest fear is that my messages might carry a somewhat negative tone,when that is simply not my intent. My mission is NOT to complain nor request sympathy.  I am blogging for many reasons. At this point, it is deeply rooted in a desire to express. Its a way of putting my thoughts out there without forcing them upon anyone. So here take it or leave it :)

Writing brings me clarity. It helps me to sort through all of the craziness that crowds my mind. It helps me to make sense of the thoughts that seem senseless. Writing  brings me peace.  It allows me to let go of the unnecessary baggage- senseless rules, judgements, and ED thoughts. Writing enables me to forgive. myself and others. thoughts.  actions.  everything. It has given me the opportunity to reflect of the days trials and triumphs with recognition and acceptance, not judgement. 

More than anything I want to inspire. I want to show (not just tell) the world, my readers... YOU(!!!) that it is more than ok to struggle.  Pain, suffering, and tears do not make you weak. Showing your vulnerable side does not make you flawed. We all have vulnerable sides. Hiding our struggles does not make them disappear. Hiding pieces of your life, behind the perfectionist facade does not buy you more friends. It might even make you feel more lonely with the friends you do have. When your friends don't know whats going on in your life, they cant possibly understand. Most heartbreaking of all, they can not offer support if they are left in the dark. I guess what Im trying to say is I want my message to be one of acceptance and light. I want to inspire both myself and those who visit this page to Accept where you are right now. Love yourself right now. It is ok to desire change. But do not hate the things (struggles) that you desire TO change. Instead,  embrace them. Rise above the hate and punishment. It just a cyclical game that will not bring you success.  Decide today that your weaknesses do NOT make you weak, but but they will teach you how to be resilient.

Bottom line is that I want this experience to be a positive one for myself and those of you reading. I want my messages (even the deep and emotional ones ;) to bring understanding and acceptance. Thanks for bearing with me. More structured, directional posts to come. Bless you tonight, tomorrow, and always.
Believe in your goodness and ability to bring positivity to this world.
I believe in you.
And because This post was intended to be a recap of my friday faves... I will end on this note.
A few of my favorite *random* things of the week...


This post by Hungry Runner Girl. Do you workout because you LOVe or hate your body? I totally wish that I could say it is all about the love for me but that is simply not true. I am working towards that, and it is definitely a work in progress for me.

TEA. More specifically. YOGI tea. YOGI in a glass. because its better that way :) This is the ginger for those of you curious.

*The voice of your soul is breath*

Reading > CYbertime before bed. I have been trying my best to unwind with a book, rather than checking facebook, insta etc before bed. I act like its something I must force myself to do, but it is such a treat. I love me a good book.

Bed. Cozies. Book. Candles. Me Time Perfection.

Last but not least. These little angels. My inspiration. Joy. LIFE. Nathanael and Georgey. (no they are NOT mine)

It is impossible to look into the eyes of a baby and not have faith in something greater than science. Life is so complex. So precious. So beautiful.

Cheers to the weekend.
Love Sarah

Cheese is...Just Cheese.

I ate cheese today.
Yes I did. I ate cheese. Tonight, while preparing cheesy bread for the rest of my family.. I took a nibble, and another, and another. I ate some cheese, and nothing happened.
There I said it, and most of you are likely thinking to yourself...yeah, so what? Well the what is this... to admit to eating cheese is a very horrifying thing. For the past 18 months I have loosely clung to this identity of "vegan."  Many objectives fueled my desire. I wanted to try it. No harm in that! I had watched several films re- health determent's of excess meat consumption and/or animal products. Not to mention, the information regarding animal cruelty really struck conflict with me. While I do not consider myself a "hippy" by any stretch, I consider cruelty to animals an evil action. Anyways I am NOT going to get into the details of my more than likely faulty argument. The point is, my Eating Disorder was not the sole contributing factor for making this switch.  The shift was gradual, and not super extreme. I claimed  to be vegan, yet occasionally would slip in my ways and have a bite of something that contained animal products.
I said nothing happened. Initially nothing DID happen, until i was confronted by the sequential shame that always follows  this action. This is a feeling I have become all to familiar with these last few months as I attempt to cling to this vegan identity, while my heart and mind are telling me to let go.  The shame is quite unbearable. I am a phony because I claim to be one thing but not always do I stick  to it.
 The thing is I truly believe that I feel best, both psychologically and physically, living off a primarily plant based diet. That being said... rules are not good for me at this moment in time. They are constricting, at a time when I am trying to break free. Choosing Vegan is not an Eating disorder, but obsession over the rules is a symptom of ED.  Any opportunity it has to make rules, and set limits on food is an open invitation to let the ED take over.
I am Sarah Kristine Seus. I a a believer. Lover. Friend. Sister. Daughter. Student. Yogi. Athlete. Health enthusiast.I am a fighter.  I am many things. I do not need my diet to define me. I will continue to fight for freedom from the rules of Ed which I have so willingly surrendered my days to. I Will continue to explore, with curiosity not judgment how my body might respond to the new foods that I might put into it. 
Thank you for the support.
I pray that whoever is reading this might be inspired to try one thing today... try to say no to rules and give yourself the opportunity to trust yourself!

Today.

In response to this day: This day was not what I expected. My food choices did not live up to my expectations. I am left feeling ashamed, defeated, sad, and disgusted.

But, tonight I am taking this negativity as an opportunity to be curious. “Is my day merely defined by the food that I eat?”

Today I woke up happy and committed to making it a good day. I woke up energized and inspired to make the most of this day. I treated myself to fitness with a healthy attitude, not to punish. I kept in mind this idea of compassion, “I am moving because it is what my body needs and deserves.” I enjoyed an easy yoga practice that calmed my mind. I walked and reflected upon my many thoughts. Today I was able to share the Gospel with my dear Pops. I met my cousin for a spur of the moment coffee date. All of this before noon!

I walked to the adoration chapel. Thank you Jesus for my life today! After this I felt inspired to keep sharing this energy so I took the drive over to visit my daddy at work. Oh the joy that someone’s smile and presence can bring to a day.

Despite what my eating disorder tells me, This day was not a loss. I did not sit at home and mope, nor did I punish myself when I felt at a loss for answers. This moment of disappointment and discouragement will not consume me to the point that I choose to hate today, and myself for that matter. Today was not a failure. It was a battle well fought. Today was a victory, in that I am able to recognize the shortcomings, but not let them define my day as failure. I am writing this note mostly to myself to make this fact undeniable: Today was a BLESSING.

I am learning, growing, and thriving everyday that I choose to see the challenges as opportunities and the losses not as failures but as precious lessons learned.

Thank you Jesus for today :)

....and a totally random photo of my kitty... but he makes me smile.

Ho Simey!

 

I am CHANGING, but i am not changed

Hello my lovely readers! I hope your weekends were filled with relaxation and enjoying these last days of warm weather. I love this time of year, and in fact today is the first official day of Autumn.  I am definitely feeling a  chill change in the air! 

As I was doing my morning yoga practice I was reflecting on a state of mind that has recently been consuming my thoughts. That is- I keep finding myself experiencing these moments of joyful celebration, moments of change, moments of inspiration. These experiences are not ones that I can not quite grasp nor can I put too words, But in these moments I feel a sense of celebratory reflection- I feel that I might be over old habits and ways of thinking. But, when the moment passes and I am faced with a struggle I become disappointed thinking I am failing now. Heres the thing my situation and state of recovery does not change this much on a moment to moment basis. These are extreme shifts in perspective. ......I am not changed completely, but I am CHANGING- everyday for the better. I am growing through each experience, learning to live freer, love more generously, and live without limits. Everyday is a gift from God. We must make the choice to allow ourselves access to all of the blessings provided in this day. Anyways sorry about the detour, the following post was actually written and intended for Friday but with the long shifts and lack of internet connection I am only now getting around to posting. Please enjoy…..

…..I keep telling myself that for one month I should commit to a cleanse that will jump-start my progress towards healthy changes. I keep telling myself that I should be committed to re-establishing HEALTH for ME. This does not mean more of the restricting, starving, rules, and punishment games that result in nothing but guilt. It means regaining the control that I am currently tug-o-warring with the ED over. The problem is that I tend to adopt this ‘all or nothing mentality’ with whatever change I set my mind to. It prohibits me from rolling with the punches that life throws at me and making the best of whatever the situation might be, because anything that falls short of expectations, anything that strays from 'the plan' is considered to be failure. Whenever anything comes up that is outside of my control I feel as if the progress becomes a lost cause, and I might as well throw in the towel. Most goals seem unattainable with this all or nothing mentality, because ummm...hell-OO perfection is so unrealistic. 
So I guess that is why I keep setting this one month intention. Because that just seems more realistic to me. The truth is that Health is not about being perfect all the time. That is a total ED mentality. Progress is in being able to pick myself up when things don’t go as planned, being able to make the best out of a sucky situation, and being able to live in the moment.  Expecting to live for one month in strict abidance or the effort is a failure is already setting myself up to be disappointed. I will most likely have'failed' before day one has concluded. To attain my goals of lifelong health (not month long), balance must be allowed and flexibility is necessary! Structure is good, orienting goals and behaviors towards the goal is necessary but rigidity is unsustainable. The truth is I really don’t know what the end goal is, because I am not yet there. I can not waste my time and energy trying to create this final destination that will only be discovered through living in the moment, through the motions and experiencing both the ups and downs, triumphs and struggles, smiles and tears.  Worrying about and condemning myself when changes occur is only deturing my progress. 
Health is not a concrete objective, but it will require a constant commitment. I want to eat healthy because I believe that I will feel better, more confident and less distracted in doing so. Most importantly I believe that the only way that I can best fulfill my life’s purpose is to free myself from the restraints of these negative distractions. I want freedom from the rules, the guilt, the punishment, and the all-consuming world of food. My life does not need to revolve around the world of ED anymore. I want to focus on HEALTH and NOT FOOD. The problem is not food; and food is definitely not the solution!  Food control and punishment are merely a distraction which serve no purpose but to protect me from the emotions of life. That is not a good thing. I want to live my life, the good and the bad and to be present for those moments and emotions. This commitment means all around health. What is best for ME.  Life is now. My journey towards a healthier lifestyle is part of my current reality. The fight, the struggle, the temptations, and victories, the pain, the joy- feeling these emotions and being present in the moments is life. Awareness will lead me to a healthier and more fulfilling response. 

Over the course of my struggles with this disease I have found it difficult to chose a healthful option for my morning meal. Too many nights I went to bed deciding that the next morning I would not and should not have breakfast as punishment for my 'fat' choices of the previous day. Funny thing is when morning comes, I crave what I can not have... Breakfast! My body needs energy to fuel my day, but the rules say no. So I don't eat breakfast....More times than not I eventually end up eating something more guilt causing but less nutritious and satisfying. I mean come on the body cant survive on nothing! This morning I am starting my day out proactively with BREAKFAST.

Today I choose to honor my spirit and fuel my body.

Today I bring you......Breakfast. Inspired by the changing season that bring fall fruit, but the still warm summer temps that demand refreshing blends!

Feel Good Super Greens Goddess Power Smoothie:

1 (ripe) Banana

1 small bartlet pear

2 handfuls spinach

2 tsp lime juice

freshly grated ginger

1 scoop "super greens"

1 scoop protein of choice (My personal fave at the moment is RAW vegan vanilla protein)

 enough water to get things mixin...

wallllllAHH. delishious.

ENJOY.

xoxox,

Sarah

.

Finding Purpose in Life. Creating a Purpose to LIVE

Recently I discovered a book that has literally changed my life and shifted my perspective. I have been turning to Matthew Kelly`s The Rhythm of Life for healing inspiration.Amazing Book. Highly recommend it.I have already read it once through, but am currently re-reading it and find myself, in times of 'crisis' turning to important points that I find applicable. I keep it at my nightstand as a lifeline of inspirational words and a reminder of where my priorities and purpose should lie. You might think im talking this up to be more than it actually is, but I challenge you to discover for yourself. Unlock the wisdom that occupies the pages of this book, and it will change your life.  Yes it is that good.  

Anyways to make a long story longer (side note my friend used this phrase the other day and it had me laughing inside! hehe) back to my reason for mentioning this book which also explains the above picture...... One of the most influential pieces of wisdom I took from this book, was the recommendation to construct on a life's purpose. To decide today, where we want our priorities to be, and to discover the keys to getting there. Matthew Kelly discusses the importance of creating a lifes purpose, and devoting ourselves to that goal, to strive for excellence, and to be fulfilled. Having a lifes purpose creates a standard within us and ignites a burning desire to always be moving forward in our pursuit of this purpose. Reading this was a wake-up call to me. It sparked many questions.  Do I even have a life's purpose? If so am I moving forward with this purpose? Am I happy and satisfied with the direction I am headed? What are my goals and desires? Are my choices leading me towards accomplishing these? Sadly my answer to question numbero uno was "No". 

By no fault or ill intent did I end up in this position, but I was not going to allow myself to continue in this passive state of ill-advancement. Honestly, up until this point of self proclaimed 'awakening,' I had never really given it much thought. I really had no concrete purpose in mind other than the general "I want to be successful" or "I want to be happy"... Which, I might add, there is nothing wrong with. But, for me, I knew that in order to be moving in a positive direction I needed a standard. His words spoke truth to me. I needed more. I needed to do some soul searching. My purpose was not something that I would just create in a day. I believe it is a compilation of my values and strongest virtues. My purpose was created by God. We all have a reason to live. It takes some time and effort. It takes some reflection on both our strengths and weaknesses and discovery of how those traits might serve us in our pursuit of our God-given purpose.

My Life`s Purpose:

To trust in Christs plan for me- to Surrender control. To Inspire through my actions, and to be Humbled by the circumstances of my life that are out of my control. To Love and to allow myself to Be loved. To Live and to let life happen. To Pursue and Live my Dreams. Everything to Honor you. 

Everything to Honor YOU.

Happy Wednesday
xoxox,
Sarah

Passing by Perfection: I Commit.

Passing by Perfection: I Commit.: My apologies to those who read this Passing By Perfection looking for consistent inspiration   or truth.   My intentions are good, ...

I Commit.

My apologies to those who read this Passing By Perfection looking for consistent inspiration  or truth.  My intentions are good, but I will not deny the fact that my participation on this site has been lacking. My posts have been quite sporadic- sparked by spurts of motivation as I live in the shame of this on-going struggle.

What I am about to say has taken me months to come to terms with. The thoughts and emotions associated with this truth spark more shame and disgust than you can imagine. I have an eating disorder. Well yeah…that’s nothing new! Yes I have an eating disorder, which we have been trying to get under control since I was about 10 years old. 12 years of fighting without cause. Not fighting against the ED. But rather, Me taking the side of ED and pretty much fighting AGAINST the people who are trying to help me. It started as anorexia, when I was about ten. At that time I could not accept help, seek comfort, or surrender control because I did not believe that my behaviors were disordered. They were completely normal in my reality. But, once we began to pursue treatment the reality of this disease was revealed to me and my eyes were opened to the hold it had on me.

As time has passes, and I have floated in and out of treatment, my Eating Disorder has evolved. It has grown to become a bigger beast- more deceitful and manipulative. Before I could not admit I had an eating disorder because I didn’t want help, but I was proud of my behaviors and the strength I had to push my body to its limit and resist temptations (the horrible awful temptation to feed and nourish myself) Now I am having a difficult time accepting help because I am ashamed.  I am ashamed of what it has become. My problem is much bigger than anorexia and the health risks. It is a full-fledged vicious cycle of restriction, followed by compulsive eating , and over exercising. It’s a shame-punishment cycle that is a sorry attempt at burying emotions and insecurities. Food is a means of control in what I eat, when I eat, and how I eat it. I might refuse to eat breakfast, but then feast on chocolate. Or I eat fruits until my belly feels like it might explode, but then I must exercise until the disgust is slightly tamed. That is the ugly truth of my current struggle. No matter how hard I will it to be gone, no matter how ashamed I am to call this what it is, nothing changes the truth of what it is. The eating disorder is still alive in me. This is not new news, just a postponed announcement. I am ashamed by my lack of strength and the people I have hurt (including myself). I am disappointed in the moments missed, and the friendships damaged. I am confused by the choices made and the choices I continue to struggle with making- knowing full well of the consequences. The truth is that it is too late to lament. I am ashamed of the past, but I cannot go back. I will not allow that shame of the past dictate both  the present moment and my future. The shame of the past is merely a distraction preventing me from focusing on the hope of changing this story. Something I have begun to realize is that the harder I try to hide my struggle, in shame, the more I push people away, the stronger it becomes and the lonelier I feel. The ED does not and will not EVER fill this loneliness. Acceptance, humility, compassion and forgiveness will.

I will no longer make promises, regarding consistency with posts that I cannot keep. I have strived to paint a picture of myself- one that promises dedication and resilience. One that wishes for health and is 100% committed to the fight for recovery.  While I want these things most of the time, my effort does not always reflect these desires. To say that I am currently 75% committed to recovery is generous. I want health, I really do.  And, of course, I want freedom more than anything. Sometimes I wish that if I could blink my eyes and forget about this part of me, it would all be good. Or, if only I could wake up tomorrow and my past could be erased and my future rewritten in away that eliminates this struggle. But, that is just not reality. If I 100% want freedom, then I must fight my hardest. All of the time. I commit myself 100%. This struggle does not have to define ME, but it will consume me until I come to terms with the power it has had over me.

I must remember that my Eating Disorder is only a part of me; therefore it cannot possibly be stronger than me. Here is my reality today: I can and will reclaim my life but it will take 100% commitment.   To wait around wishing away the struggle and pouting about the pain is a passive response to a situation that demands constant action. It is a slap in the face to my creator who puts purpose into every life and circumstance (Even the painful ones). I don’t know why he has given me this cross, but he must have a plan that extends beyond this present moment. I do not have to know His purpose. In fact, questioning his purpose in all of this is a waste of time. He knows me better than I know myself, and he knows how much I can handle. Maybe I am stronger than I believe. I sure hope so.  My job is to accept. My job is to give myself to him, to give my best effort to this cause and to commit 100%.  My healing and purpose will only be revealed in Gods time.

If some of you reading this are in a similar state , make the choice today to accept your struggle. Remember- You are not alone. Decide to fight. You are so worth that fight. You are Loved.
Heres to Freedom, Health, and Happiness.

I commit.

Xoxoxox,

Sarah

And some extra inspiration.........

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ks3R2BwyO0

Dont buy the lies, disguise, and hoops they make you jump through. You were made to fill a purpose. There could never be a more beautiful you <3

http://www.theblondevegan.com/2014/09/05/recovery-series-3-outlook/

everything @theBalancedBlonde .... seriously guys this girl is inspiring

Freedom isnt Free

Freedom isn't free.
Not many good things come easy. If you are not willing to fight for what you desire, it must not be all that important or worth it...  I can not honestly say that I have put up a true and decent fight against my Eating Disorder. Sure I have tried, but time and time again I have allowed myself to be discouraged by defeat. I have allowed discomfort and temptation drag me down as my eating disorder continues to cling hold of me, controlling my thoughts, dictating my actions, and sucking the life from this person I can not even recognize.  As embarrassing as this might be to admit, most moments, memories, and experiences in my twenty two years on this earth have been clouded  by the constant shadow of ED thoughts and drives. He has been the most important thing and my focus.  But, I want freedom. I want physical health and emotional happiness. I want to enjoy the presence and company of all of the beautiful people in my life. I want to let people in. I want to love and allow myself to be loved. I want to discover and accomplish. I want so much out of life. As I see it now, it is all of this or ED. What does ED have to offer but self torture, denial, destruction, and hurt? My life is emptiness with ED. What is there but the promise of emptiness and lifelessness if I chose him?  It is pain and suffering. It is physical destruction and emotional pain beyond words. I hurt. My heart is weak, and my body is frail.  It doesn't have to be this way forever.  I have been given such a precious gift, and a chance to live. God chose me for this life. He wants me here, or I would have been defeated long ago by the physical consequences of this disease. Rock bottom is when you realize its eating disorder or life. My life is worth the fight. I will fight to death, and that does not scare me. Because.... as of now there is little life in what the ED consumes. What is the point of living without life? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? I know I am here for a reason, I must honor the gifts of this life and discover my purpose. I will fight, and I will win. Life is precious, and it starts now.

                                                                                    MY life is mine to LIVE.

Time to start living.

Im Backkkkk

Woah, how time flies! It has been nearly a year since my last post. This marks the beginning of spring term. I have always looked forward to the the first day of school- a fresh start. This term is no different. I find myself giddy with enthusiasm as I fantasize over what the next few months will bring.  That`s right...Big Hope, Big Dreams, Big Changes ahead. Most often these aspirations involve unrealistic expectations, fueled by desires to 'correct' my imperfections and better myself.  I might stay 'on track' with these goals for a few weeks, but before long the pain and struggle of maintaining such an extreme level of change overcomes the satisfaction of accomplishment. Disappointment follows, and I find myself making empty promises..'tomorrow I will start fresh and undo the failures of today.' I seem to have adopted this guilt-punishment attitude as it has become my comfort and my escape.

Let me explain. Something goes wrong... Say I get a bad grade on an exam. Rather than focusing my effort on correcting the problem, I allow the problem to consume me. I start making assumptions. I tell myself that I am the problem. I punish myself with food, exercise, rules etc. My question is this: at what point did I become desensitized to the destructive nature of such a coping strategy? What is so wrong with ME that I feel not just an urge and a need to punish myself?  I seek comfort in doing so.

Every one struggles.  For most of my life I have felt stuck in the mud of my struggles. I allow the struggle to both consume and define me.  I have viewed my struggles as detours... assuring myself that as soon as I get back on track I can start living. I have recently come to this realization that the struggle is not a detour, but the path itself. It is my life right now. Have you heard of the phrase "No mud, No lotus"? I recently listened to a talk, given by Tara Brach, regarding this very topic. In her audio she discusses this fear we harbor towards struggle.  Difficulties, challenges, struggles- they are not always comfortable to experience. They are the mud. They are the realness, and the vulnerability that we feel. When faced with adversity, it is human nature to want to escape... to run...to avoid whatever pain might be associated with the struggle.  My eating disorder has been my escape.

Remember that tendency I have to self punish?? When I feel stuck in the mud and I don't know how to stay. Punishment is the solution. When I feel lost or hopeless, I assume that there is a problem with me... punishment is my response. How is punishment soothing? One word: escape. It takes the focus off of the struggle directing my focus towards something within the scoop of my 'control.' In doing this I am not actively dealing, but passively avoiding. I am using  external means to numb and soothe the internal discomfort. And so, the same struggles continue to surface and never fade. My eating disorder has provided a source of comfort to get me through some tough times, for as long as I can remember. Tara Brach challenges this tendency to use addictive practices to cope. Instead she challenges the idea to allow the struggle to strengthen us. If we allow it to, whatever mud we might be experiencing holds the key to awakening compassion and wisdom.

We can not control what happens to us, but our Creator gave us the free will to interpret and respond to whatever challenge we might face in a way that serves us. Our struggles do not have to define us, but they can and will shape us into stronger, more compassionate beings. If only we embrace them with the right attitude. We run from struggle because it seems painful. We want happiness not pain. But what if we simply changed our approach towards struggle? What if we viewed struggle as not a death sentence and not a sign of weakness but an opportunity to discover strength that we did not believe in. Jesus wants our true happiness. True happiness is in knowing him and reaching eternal life with him. Earthly struggles are only temporary.

It is time to move forward.  Thank you, Mr. ED, for the comfort you have provided me thus far,  but I think that I can take it from here.  I will not dwell on the time lost. I can look forward to  the experiences I will gain in choosing  to let go.  In letting go I surrender this illusive control promised by the Eating Disorder voice. I am perfect in the eyes of my creator.  Today I chose to let go of the control and punishment. Today I chose to surrender myself to Christs care. I can not do it alone, but I can find strength in him. Hope is here.
Thanks for the love, Untill next time <3

Thinking out Loud.

Feeling lost? Thats me right now. Feeling lost in the chaos of this crazy life. Today is my first *official* day of summer so I should be enjoying the freedom. Not so. Instead, I find myself feeling more overwhelmed than ever. Unsure of where to go next. What to do. How to approach Life and the many unanswered questions I now face. I know what I should do. Take a step back. Stop pushing forward. Take the time to regroup and get back on track. Take care of myself.. for once I  need to make myself the priority. Drop the summer classes, and Stop forcing the job thing. It will work out.

I need help. I know that it would be in my best interest to seek a more structured form of treatment. But, it is so hard to admit this, and it is so easy to make excuses. I must take those summer classes...  push through... gotta work, make money, get paid. I know that my health is suffering. It is so easy to just say I cant. I have too much going on. Now is not a good time. You know the drill. If not now then when? The time will never be perfect.

Meanwhile life is passing me by.  As I am still consumed with an attitude focused on eating disorder behaviors. Sure I am in college, attending classes, hanging with friends, and going out to the bars. I am living, but not fully. As I am still trapped in the clutches of this disease I can not commit my best self to anything fully.  Because I am still caught up in the obsession. Not all of the time, but the nagging voice is still there. Sometimes it is a mere whisper that I am easily able to tune out. Yes, those are the victories that keep me motivated and hopeful. However with tribute there is also much trial. Still, far too often, the voice screams. And, I listen... far to often.  "You are not good enough to talk to him... dont bother." I listen. "You ate too much today, you cant possibly go out and expect to have a good time." I listen. "Those jeans make your thighs look fat. No... its not the jeans. You are just fat. Put some sweats on to hide that." I listen.  These are the very moments in which I miss out on life. Those simple moments that often produce the most reward, the thrill of living and acting on impulse are some very unfamiliar concepts. This is because my focus often is not in the present moment. Instead the destructive thoughts and unhealthy behaviors continue to run the show.

Today I took the first step. I am no longer taking summer school. While I do not know where my future is headed, I do know what I want. I want health. I want freedom. I want to know what it feels like to live completely.  Without the stupid voice  dictating my every voice. I consider myself to have come to a fork in the road. I am faced with two distinctly different options. The first being to keep plugging along and forcing myself to push through,  but never completely finding myself and the freedom I so deserve. OR, take a step back. Maybe lose a term`s worth of school. But. take the time to find what I am looking for in myself. I am not sure when I will gather to courage to commit myself to treatment completely, but I do know that I am becoming more comfortable with the idea of it. Who knows what this treatment will entail but I know one thing is for sure and that is I need something. It might just be a little push,  but I will never know if I do not take the risk.

Not sure if anyone is actually reading this but just in case... i apologize for the rambling. I understand that I probably am not making much sense but trying to sort through my thoughts. Just thinkinging out loud.
and i will part with these wise words and positive affirmation:

 I can face any obstacle put in my path. I remain calm and think things through. I rely on myself. I respect myself. I trust myself. All that I need is within me.

The Eating Disorder Machine

This ten week term has come and gone in the blink of an eye, and I now find myself publishing my last blog post assignment for this class.  While I do plan to continue writing,  I still consider this to be the end of one chapter and the start of something new.  I am so grateful for this experience; however, I am very much looking forward to having more freedom to pursue my own interests, goals, and posts with this blog. Thank you to all who have supported me throughout this journey.  I hope that you will continue to read as I dive headfirst into this blogging world on my own. But first things first... My last post of this chapter.

This weeks prompt asks me to reflect on a concept from this class that has interested me. Now, this might be a stretch, but I am going to make an attempt at creating a link between a principle of communication and some more personal-to-me issues related to the focuses of this blog. So bear with me, resign from judgement, and enjoy the ride..

The Classical Approach was one of the first things that we covered in this class, and so it sticks out in my mind. This method of communication embraces a rather cold and rigid attitude with respect to the person-hood of organizational participants. This method lacks character and personal attention as there is little concern held for the people preforming the work. Instead the focus is on profit: the action of preforming tasks and administrative activity, the structure of the system based on formal rules, and the science behind specific tasks and standardization.  In this practice, maximizing production is of the utmost importance. The end always justifies the means.  The 'machine metaphor' is a very appropriate representation of this approach.  There are three main components to this machine metaphor:  

1. Specialization: each part (person) has a specific function   
2. Standardization: replace-ability (workers are seen as "clogs" and are considered interchangeable) 
3. Predictability: and abides by dehumanizing rules, which put more focus on the product than  

Restricting food consumption to under five hundred calories a day for the sole purpose of gaining control. Taking guilt to the gym to burn 1000 calories on the treadmill (10 grade incline. you bet) as punishment for indulging in that piece of birthday cake. Refusing to go out with friends because eating too much that day has left you feeling fat- unworthy of being around people and having a good time.  Eating a two pound bag of carrots for dinner leaves you feeling stuffed to the brim yet completely unsatisfied (but hey at least you got your weeks worth of fiber and minimal calories were consumed.)  I am no stranger to this so called machine mindset. The practices mentioned previously don`t make sense; yet they have been, somehow, justified far too frequently.

An Eating Disorder is a psychological disease. Many of the thoughts and beliefs held by sufferers are irrational. The behaviors are ridiculous. And, the justifications for these actions are unreasonable. But somehow, we have a way of rationalizing things in our head There is a certain degree of disconnect that exists between body and mind. You might feel physical pain, hunger, exhaustion but your mind does not respond to those feelings in a constructive manner. Your body is screaming at you to "STOP" but you power through, like a machine, focused on completing the task.... preforming the behavior regardless of how you feel. Attentiveness to the inner voice is silenced and replaced by an attitude focused on pushing your body to the limits. and attaining that illusion of control regardless of the penalty. The end always justifies the means.

As a sufferer of anorexia, my mind is often in control of my actions. It represents the leadership role in this hierarchical structure (of the machine metaphor)- the oversee-er, the selfish inconsiderate boss. My body is the machine itself- the poor helpless employee, the innocent bi-standard.  My body endures the pain of consequences, which are derived from the choking grip of my eating disorder. Most people look at me, and do not assume that I am a sufferer.  As I have slowly began the road to recovery, I no longer display many of the physical symptoms of anorexia. However; I am still struggling.

 In the thick of my eating disorder, I developed quite a skill for concealing my emotions so people could not see what I was feeling. This behavior is at the very heart of the machine metaphor. Push through, don't display symptoms of weakness, control your emotions, control your body- that is what my mind tells me. But the truth is, these practices do not promise victory. In fact, that is the eating disorder talking. It is this irrational voice that drives the machine.

An eating disorder strives on ignorance and total disregard for ones own needs and person-hood. The sufferer posses` a very rigid, judgmental,  and unyielding attitude towards his/herself, similar to the classical model`s approach to employees. There is little to no regard for emotions and how certain things make you feel. These behaviors are dehumanizing.. However; there is hope in all of this. Freedom comes with denial. Not denial of your own feelings and thoughts, but denial of the eating disorders voice. It starts with being able to recognize the difference between the two, and to distinguish rational from irrational. The ultimate power is in recognizing that these thoughts are not my own. The ultimate control is in putting the recognition to practice and denying to accept these terms.

Im sorry if this post has left your heart feeling heavy. That was not my intent. An eating disorder is a nasty disease, and I believe it is important that this knowledge be spread. However; I hope that if you read between the lines, you might see this as a message of hope. There is hope in standing up to the oppressive mindset. There is hope in accepting oneself as a unique person with so much potential. There is hope in letting go of self judgement and doubt.

My hope lies in recovery.

You Can Lead a Horse to Water....

This past week we had the opportunity to listen to guest speaker, Dave Leding, discus his experiences in business  and organizational cultures. His conversation was focused on group effort contribution and the team leadership methods. In his presentation he addressed many of the tools and topics which he has personally employed to both create and grow successful business models. These models which are centered on the fundamentals of strong organizational culture and aspects of effective communication.   "Common sense, common courtesy," "Be civil, honest, and open," "Tell it, write it, tell it again, do it," these are just a few of the many instructions, on how he operates, directly quoted from his lecture

The Roles of Relationships in the Workplace.

As mentioned briefly in last weeks post,  relationships play a central role in our experiences. Relationships play a key role in our happiness and success both personally and professionally. This doesn’t mean you need to be completely extroverted in every situation. While being friendly and outgoing obviously makes you a more approachable individual, there is no exact scientific correlation between success and relationships.   Being a social butterfly is not always a guaranteed antecedent of success, and similarly being shy does not doom you to failure.  It is; however, important to make an effort to get to know the people with whom you work and learn about what skills and abilities they bring to the table. There is a strong need to build relationships regardless of your personality. In Amanda Haddaway's article titled How to Build Positive Workplace Experience, she presents these ideas and discusses the importance of attitude, work ethic, first impressions and building strong relationships from the start.

The Encounter.

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I am a quite person by nature. As a child I was painfully shy, and I struggled to find confidence in social situations. I was often 'that kid' who sat on the outskirts of social circles, feeling empty and alone, as most of the other kids playfully mingled and became acquainted. The thought of introducing myself to someone new, or God-forbid a group of strangers, inflicted a fear that was practically paralyzing. Sure I had friends and very good friends at that, but these were kids that I had grown up with...

Critical Approaches and Emotional Health

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What motivates you? For some it might be the result. Focus on the final product or reward makes the pain of work worth it. For others it might be the act of 'doing' itself.  Motivation is driven by intrinsic rewards such as the feelings of accomplishment and satisfaction gained through performing work. There are also those who are motivated by others.  Whether it be through positive encouragement or the desire to impress. All of the above can be successful forms of motivation depending on the person/personality and situation.

In the Zone at Interzone: healthy culture, happy culture

Touch, Sight, Sound, Taste, Smell- these are the means by which we measure and categorize our experiences. Our knowledge of the world depends on these modes of perception. From these interactions with sensory experiences, we draw conclusions. We make judgments. We form opinions. Directly these inferences are drawn from the messages we receive through sensory input.  Indirectly they are the result of the feelings we attribute to different outcomes of sensory interaction. We are constantly drawing conclusions based on how we ‘feel.’

Healthy What???

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Most people tend to approach “health” as a strictly physical concept. We turn our focus towards the tangible elements such as food and exercise as we blindly embark on this journey towards health. These actions; though fueled by healthy desires, often assume damaging roles.  In an effort to get fit, many people find themselves caught up in a struggle to either maintain or attain some unrealistic level of physical idealism. We have been misguided by social messages suggesting that the photo-shopped, airbrushed, and dangerously thin images in the media are beautiful and healthy. We have been convinced that we can achieve these ideal standards through self-control, diet, and exercise. We have been cultured to believe that external measurements and physical indicators are the sole definition of a healthy individual.